Letter from a friend - connecting lives on a singular plane

hey there,

sorry for not calling back last night, had ppl over,,. and spent the entire day today being a book worm. there is so much to give as an update, at the same time there seems to be nothing at all. feel like writing in to you. have a feeling that there is a similar energy floating in your life too.. cld be mistaken.

as far as events go here is a quick update. Got a lovely new house. the job is having some financial woes, a number of close friends have exited the city in various stages over the past month, from socially packed days, the wheels of time are now itching by slowly, and in the middle of all this is me.

Came back from a short trip to UK, with a desire to get out of india next year... a yearnig, driven more i think because there is no strong left in Bangalore that keeps me going, and there is a lot of travelling to do there. Yet the inner me knows that the hollowness that i feel now has nothing to do with the city i choose to live in.

and the paradox is, being the self aware people that we are I also know that no man, marriage, location can make this "fulfillment" come. yet there is such a high desire to flop over like a very tired dog in the delhi heat, and wait mournfully for someone to do something.

No real man has come. a few old friends popped here n there. The ex bf/live in partner still made a strong case to want to marry; spent diwali with him, yet the relationship has changed its shape for me and i cant "feel" anything arnd him anymore.

Sorry. as i type this i sound like a mini sucidal case. It is not true. Am ok really. there are happy days and some quiet ones. but the overall sense is one of calm anticipation, like the stormy silence before a mob decided what to do.............how are things with u.. see a lot of angst in the status messages and the frenzy of work as well.. the getting so much to come to life at work and the life at home must be a battle u face..

r u in touch with somesh? does the karmic connect get re called now n then.... hope the mail did not come as too much of a vomit session.. was not the intention. ....... would love to know where u are, does this sudden silence, this feeling old yet young, so much to do, yet the feeling of needing someone to be there, disappearance of old ties, anticipation of new? is this me just with too much brain space or universal..............

await ur reply...
warm hug

n

And I did respond by a phone call and marvelled at the cosmic connection. I passed on this mail to my other best friend who said "Hey there is so much of us in the mail," and gushed how she has found her motivation back.

Three people find connection in reflection of life and love and all that defines it.

Removed and content

Well it is a nice feeling and strange at the same time. I am in Calcutta and I am oblivious of all the clutter that throng on me in Delhi.
It is like removed from the scene of action and you cannot be bothered.
There is a calmness and stillness within which has suddenly stepped out to see the clutter passing by and yes to it's utmost relief.
The emotional clutter that was talking over my head is now taking a leisured walk.
Woohooo! I am getting back to control and loving it.
And I have decoded a solution or so I think.
I don't want anyone to spoil this clutter even though the temptation of my heart may leap over.
I need to keep the sanity intact and let that rule.
Choices I have had in Love:
1. Cried my way to the doom
2. Desitiny led to the doom
3. NOW I have so far been laughing my way to the same doom
Don't get me wrong here. i am not blaming any of the above. Choice at the end of it was mine. At least I know what I ought to be doing.
And that is I am not letting anyone upset my inner equilibrium.
Let the other sort out their own mind and be around on my condition. As I mentioned i my earlier post my strength becomes my dooming grave. Yes I am strong enough to tackle my emotional vagaries. Cry out loud and let it out and bounce back on my feet.
But I am not going to let anyone to use it as a dumping bag. My own life situation is already enough to deal with, I don't want more.
I have got my answers. I am removed and content.

Stillness but it still moves

The stillness within is like a lull before a torrid tumult.
I am in a time trap that knows no rescue. I cajole, convince myself, it listens but starts behaving like a spoilt child again.
It fancies something and wants it no matter what.
While stillness steels me..something within continues to move in a timeless span..motions of theb heart I mean.
Past makes a dramatic comeback and catches me offguards. While I had resigned to the reality, it confronts me bang bang and leaves me to deal. No big deal. I am used to this, am I not? I am a woman of today who knows that she knows. But the vulnerable in me recieves no love like a step child as it were.
Well being strong or percieved as one is like digging your own grave. You take upon yourself not just your own burden but in an attempt to make it easy for the other you go wham!!
Well this time while past is knocking at my door hard, present is no simplified theory.
Like they say from bad to worse. Present knocks me off with its own intricacies.
I was talking to this friend in Nepal about love.
The fact that both of us at different points declined what we recall as the love we did not recognise.
"Praggie I have this feeling that love will find us at 60,"
We still gush over the godforsaken love.
Though still but iy moves and it will.

life's adrift

Branching out
Life finds a root
Laeves are falling off
To augur the autumn
Yes Autumn it is

Life's adrift
Trying to find it's root
In the sunshine and grow lush

Grey seems hounding
And haunting
I need freshness of the spring

Feels like love yet again

I thought I had lost it somewhere. But my heart is potentially alive, it beats and skips a beat too.
The romantic rush feels no more sane but yes it does seem to give me a drive.
Should I say, it's just been two weeks and it's growing like how.
If everything goes well we might turn into neighbours.
Well let me explain, I have been struggling with being potentially homeless and looking for a house frantically.
Found a dream house - a red brick duplex with an awesome terrace overlooking the seamless jungle..ah I am still reveling in that fleeting dreamlike state..
There is an urgency to move out by the end of this week. This brings me back to the story where I began this post.
So this new zing has just moved to the maddening city from Bangalore. From the word go it was good. Instantaneous chemistry, something that shook me from my comfort zone.
Like we always settle in our set mould or we set a mould that is too comfotable to move from. And suddenly a zany feeling that tugs you hard and knocks you off the balance you have striven hard to achieve.
A fleeting boundary that sets your head against heart or two logical heads within.
I am watching!

Of life universe and magic

Well, it's been a low ebb, confidence sinking, losing the zing..thank God it passed. Things fall in place if you just let it be..step back and take a deep breath

magic magic magic...it happens!

Magic 1: We cracked one simple campaign idea yippie!!!
Magic 2: I finally get my post paid connection
Magic 3: (Awaited) need my UK visa in flat three days..pray I get..London calling and dreams too :-)
I am sort of getting my zing back.
A friend said "you have spark, you are a bubbling cauldron" Thanks friend.

I have been so used to being at the centre of action and attention (professionally). I guess I have not been able to handle the low key for last one month. I want action! action! that's what drives me.

I need the centrestage! I know! I need to awaken the fire in me!

Why am I resigned to singlehood

Life seems content on all fronts, but sometimes a lurking question sets me wondering.
Why am I single?
Am I committment phobic? What type?
A rushed glimpse into my past relationships makes me reflect.
I have repeatedly formed alliances with men (unconsciously) with those who were emotionally unavailable, or men who were not good enough for me (so my friends would tell and I would turn a deaf ear to it) or worse still who I knew were fully into me.
All in all a doomed story from the very start.
And when it would officially end, I would resign myself to fate and cry my heart out. For isn't crying over loss normal?
Well, yes, or trying to behave normal (subconsciously). At least I have imbibed some from the collective normal ethos.
On the same note, now that I think, I have always run away from men who bring along security, lasting love and stability as they all want.
What is it that I want?

Dil-e-nadan na samajh paye
To mera kya kasoor
Teri justhu mein
Har waqt rehta hai maghroor

Dil ko ya armaan tha,
Jo kal tha woh aaj bhi moujood hota
Wo khayal, woh ehsaas
Kareeb mere wajood hota

Life is fair, even in despair
Love lives in my intimate imaginaire
Life's good, so I declare
What's destiny I stand and behold!

When ex flame turns a friend

I always heard people say, relationship once ended should be a closed chapter.
That always set me thinking 'what's more important - destination that lost path or journey that made it worthwhile'
If the latter, how could people who once formed the most significant element of our lives cease to be a part of it. In both literal and figurative terms. Even if they are not with you they are very much a part of abstract existence - in memories and mindscape.
And yes, I am experiencing the same in a more fulfilling way that I could ever have probably. The openness and connect that's there now, was never seen before. A new level that transcends all narrow bounds of worldly cares.
I am happy the way it is.

Myself after long

Life's been on rollercoaster....Deadlines and all that jazz....but having fun nontheless. Three and half hr long conference call fried my brain like how..Needed some fun. Started small and there followed some fun antics, photo shoot all over the office space and down with cigerrate amidst the muck of Nehru Place.
Felt myself after long..fun time and some cool colleagues to join in.
Exciting learning curve.
More will follow.

Where the buck stops

Not where it should ideally. Why do we push limits and press buttons that trigger unwanted airwaves?

The human mind acts on funny kicks or so it seems. What is apparent is not real and a parallel world exists and denizens of the real inhabit the evil, vicious intent.

A funny world is unfolding with an interesting mix of drama, vitual romance and vilifying egos.
While the former is fun latter a mortal throttle and unsettling.

When the coffee table becomes an extension of the living room and myriad mosaic of characters emerge to play their part.

While one enjoys seamlessly palying a part and simultaneously stand outside of oneself and see events of life unfolding.

Interesting, very interesting indeed :-)

Dreams unwound

Dreams have an innate tendency to become real. Virtual is in a way a real denial. But it sure is another world, when the equations are totally different in person in which a certain level of constructs remain, but the boundaries merge in the exploratory space. The whole notion of relationship is now being reconfigured in the limitless space that it is.

But the question is in the merging realities which real is real? The question is beset with dichotomy and dualism.

But the above is not much different from the hypocricy of the real either. Where we constantly deny what's real in a conscious manner. So that's teh existence of virtual real and vice-versa.

Vagueness will dispel once I am able to figure out the meanings.

Brewing minds

...coffee connections and vitual existence..that's how I will define the events as they have unfolded over the last one month and little more. Addictive, compulsive bunch and mulitiple layer transcending the real and making vitual fun.

Now I understand how apt the coffee table relationship term is - whosoever coined it. When cafe becomes the extension of living room and day spills over 24 hrs or so it seems.

It would seem like a random bantering..but churnings are really vague bag at the moment.
It is fun when random becomes regular and chance meetings become habit.

Interesting motions intersperse the coffee table and beyond there is a new world that unfolds. Random becomes real and all else flows seamlessly.

Vitamin Works

My system seemed to collapse after my recent Rajasthan trip. Heat and monstrosity of rural India enmeshed with the image of India which is so unlike the one we are the denizens of conspired to the collapse.

Hungover with the grind fatigue took over and sent me in a tizzy to series of tests and there came to the resue the VITAMIN B.

For good two weeks I was struggling with sapped energy and low key me which was such a misfit to my regular frame.

Last two days have been magical. I am beaming with energy and bouncing back to life. Yuppie..
Does this mean that I would have to depend on external stimulants for the internal pep..Nah blame it on the lifestyle we follow-erratic diet, smoking (kills appaetite)..and all the rest intertwined.

I am cheered up, my focus is back and raring to go.
Vitamins - my new love :-)

When I saw her from close quarters

Ooh!That was quite close when I met acclaimed actor and social activist Shabana Azmi.

I reached on time sharp. Whiled I lingered in IHC lobby looking at some odd exhibits on display my phone beeped, "sorry to keep you waiting. please come up to my room."

I was a little, very little though, jittery. But as she opened the door to me with a smile I eased.

She was extremely tired after her tour of her father's village carrying forward the some development initiatives by him.

I sat a little in disbelief, that I was seeing her from such close and personal quarters, and little in confidence as I went briefing her on the subject for media interviews lined up.

We chatted a bit and I left with a smile.

An odd working saturday filled with events to make memories. Evening followed with rerun of Delhi 6 with my 'likeable' man who sat there quite a loss with the language but understood the film even without me having to explain except the odd bits here and there after the film. Impressive yeah!

Lilies bid adieu

9:30 p.m 27 February 2009

I thought I had tucked away my emotions after having spent my tears over the last few days. 

Ahem! I was wrong. 

The two men (read one of special significance) disappeared leaving me wondering, "where the hell" only to make an appearance with two choco cake. The 'one of special significance' with stalks of liliies carefully chosen to make a perfect pose of pink, white and green  with many yet to bloom.

He chose them saying "lilies define her", I was told. I was flattered. He wanted something which I could hold close and need I say I did hold them really close.

The day felt special. I was trying to collect the memories in all its details, unedited.

Perched in our balcony, the soiree soon brewed with madness with odd bolly tunes playing on his ipod.

Someone teasingly remarked, " She likes everything about you" which was met with, "I am just so likeable," giving way to peals and bursts.

Oh yes, I am for some odd reason very thrilled with the idea of an afternoon in the bar and he knows it.

Till we actually moved out it was 5:30 and I had to catch a flight towards midnight. I might have risked missing it in my high and happy state. Besides this one offered to tab the time for me.

So there we were three of us at the bar counter and beer came flowing and bonding to go with it. 

I wanted time to freeze as my gaze did suddenly taking note of little detail (under the garb of intent listening) - his hazel eyes, deep voice and taut muscles of his forearms. Errrrrrrrrrr! I was only listening to him and I just told you. Well like they say all good things do end and this did too with a warm hug and lingering longing.

I am falling in love with the 'likeable man".

I reached home with totally disconnected concerns - rush- rush, pack-pack-call the cab. Phew!

As I scurry through and ready to leave I turn around and look at those lilies. I smile.

Lilies will be abloom when I get back.

Overwhelmed

Eyes are welling up. Last leg of my stint here. I leave day after. Time seems to be flying faster than I imagined.

The office assistant  said, " madam ji why are you leaving, dont go. aapse baat karke hum logon bhi achha lagta tha."

I meekly smile back while emotions galloping inside.

I went to the reception for some odd job and 'aunty' as I enderaing call her gave me a hug saying she will miss me a lot. She is one of the dearest friend I will be leaving behind.

Our protocol manager is the most 'sadoo' man incapabale of consitent niceties. "Let me take you out for lunch." That brought the outburst of tears and more hugs followed.

I would refrain from using 'gora'. Darn!! without realising I was being a racist.

That now becomes 'sexy man in black rimmed glasses'. I was in the balcony when he made an appearance with a white chit in his hands and extended towards me. Befuddled I open 'dal tadke, jeera rice, aloo paratha and a box of ladoos' is what he wanted for lunch. The note ended with a smiley. I am going to miss this. 

Afernoon was terrible with bad cramps to couple my already crumbling emotional state. I lay head down on my desk. Someone told me he clicked my picture while I lay eyes shut writhing in pain. 

Two more days to go...

My lunch friends have offered to fill me with gatronomics delight with home cooked food. I feel loved wanted and pampared.

One friend is getting used to calling me on my phone after work in preparedness for times when I am gone. The dress rehearsal has begun.

'P' my team-mate. The same guy whose car got towed away. 

Yes I am going to miss the car ride till ansals and stop-overs at times to the momo joint and smoky puffs. This is our bonding trademark interspersed with conversation about work and other significant things in our lives - his kids and wife. And  random tidbits from my life.

I left office without 'P' today. While I scurried through the market in search of an auto I was already getting a glimpse into my future in which all would figure not in the same way.

I reached home which lots of choco dose hoping that would turn off the descending blues. Of no avail. I restlesslessly walked on my terrace...back and forth...came inside and the next moment I find myself howling. And blank empty canvas yet to find new colors.

A certain breed of men

They leave you with a complete loss of words. And confused if it deserves any reaction at all. I am very sure now. I  am glad we are not together, the fact I was trying to reconcile in destiny, this that and the other finally settles with a simple logic.

Not to mention, I was floored again with the last conversation and his empty words of respect he vowed for me. 

In less than a week he gets married. So he is in town.

Tucked myself comfortably to sleep quite early only to wake up with a 'tring tring' and a vague familiarity with the digits displaying on my screen. And it is 3:00 a.m.

"Hey I was out with my friends and was wondering if you would want to catch up after I leave from here.,"

Even in my groggy state something rang clear in my mind, "Dude what are you thinking, your soon to change life is just 5 days away and you feel things are just the same. Hah!,"

"Hey, how are you?Its too late. See if you could tomorrow," I said with unimaginable ease.

Sometimes people mistake your goodness for your weakness which can fit into their convinience ever. 

One call. And it has ended even a little dreg of the last remains. Ashes. All I can say.