Letter from a friend - connecting lives on a singular plane

hey there,

sorry for not calling back last night, had ppl over,,. and spent the entire day today being a book worm. there is so much to give as an update, at the same time there seems to be nothing at all. feel like writing in to you. have a feeling that there is a similar energy floating in your life too.. cld be mistaken.

as far as events go here is a quick update. Got a lovely new house. the job is having some financial woes, a number of close friends have exited the city in various stages over the past month, from socially packed days, the wheels of time are now itching by slowly, and in the middle of all this is me.

Came back from a short trip to UK, with a desire to get out of india next year... a yearnig, driven more i think because there is no strong left in Bangalore that keeps me going, and there is a lot of travelling to do there. Yet the inner me knows that the hollowness that i feel now has nothing to do with the city i choose to live in.

and the paradox is, being the self aware people that we are I also know that no man, marriage, location can make this "fulfillment" come. yet there is such a high desire to flop over like a very tired dog in the delhi heat, and wait mournfully for someone to do something.

No real man has come. a few old friends popped here n there. The ex bf/live in partner still made a strong case to want to marry; spent diwali with him, yet the relationship has changed its shape for me and i cant "feel" anything arnd him anymore.

Sorry. as i type this i sound like a mini sucidal case. It is not true. Am ok really. there are happy days and some quiet ones. but the overall sense is one of calm anticipation, like the stormy silence before a mob decided what to do.............how are things with u.. see a lot of angst in the status messages and the frenzy of work as well.. the getting so much to come to life at work and the life at home must be a battle u face..

r u in touch with somesh? does the karmic connect get re called now n then.... hope the mail did not come as too much of a vomit session.. was not the intention. ....... would love to know where u are, does this sudden silence, this feeling old yet young, so much to do, yet the feeling of needing someone to be there, disappearance of old ties, anticipation of new? is this me just with too much brain space or universal..............

await ur reply...
warm hug

n

And I did respond by a phone call and marvelled at the cosmic connection. I passed on this mail to my other best friend who said "Hey there is so much of us in the mail," and gushed how she has found her motivation back.

Three people find connection in reflection of life and love and all that defines it.

On bended knee is no way to be free - Eddie Vedder

On bended knee is no way to be free
Lifting up an empty cup, I ask silently
All my destinations will accept the one that's me
So I can breathe...

Circles they grow and they swallow people whole
Half their lives they say goodnight to wives they'll never know
A mind full of questions, and a teacher in my soul
And so it goes...

Don't come closer or I'll have to go
Holding me like gravity are places that pull
If ever there was someone to keep me at home
It would be you...

Everyone I come across, in cages they bought
They think of me and my wandering, but I'm never what they thought
I've got my indignation, but I'm pure in all my thoughts
I'm alive...

Wind in my hair, I feel part of everywhere
Underneath my being is a road that disappeared
Late at night I hear the trees, they're singing with the dead
Overhead...

Leave it to me as I find a way to be
Consider me a satellite, forever orbiting
I knew all the rules, but the rules did not know me

Removed and content

Well it is a nice feeling and strange at the same time. I am in Calcutta and I am oblivious of all the clutter that throng on me in Delhi.
It is like removed from the scene of action and you cannot be bothered.
There is a calmness and stillness within which has suddenly stepped out to see the clutter passing by and yes to it's utmost relief.
The emotional clutter that was talking over my head is now taking a leisured walk.
Woohooo! I am getting back to control and loving it.
And I have decoded a solution or so I think.
I don't want anyone to spoil this clutter even though the temptation of my heart may leap over.
I need to keep the sanity intact and let that rule.
Choices I have had in Love:
1. Cried my way to the doom
2. Desitiny led to the doom
3. NOW I have so far been laughing my way to the same doom
Don't get me wrong here. i am not blaming any of the above. Choice at the end of it was mine. At least I know what I ought to be doing.
And that is I am not letting anyone upset my inner equilibrium.
Let the other sort out their own mind and be around on my condition. As I mentioned i my earlier post my strength becomes my dooming grave. Yes I am strong enough to tackle my emotional vagaries. Cry out loud and let it out and bounce back on my feet.
But I am not going to let anyone to use it as a dumping bag. My own life situation is already enough to deal with, I don't want more.
I have got my answers. I am removed and content.

Myself after long

Life's been on rollercoaster....Deadlines and all that jazz....but having fun nontheless. Three and half hr long conference call fried my brain like how..Needed some fun. Started small and there followed some fun antics, photo shoot all over the office space and down with cigerrate amidst the muck of Nehru Place.
Felt myself after long..fun time and some cool colleagues to join in.
Exciting learning curve.
More will follow.

Where the buck stops

Not where it should ideally. Why do we push limits and press buttons that trigger unwanted airwaves?

The human mind acts on funny kicks or so it seems. What is apparent is not real and a parallel world exists and denizens of the real inhabit the evil, vicious intent.

A funny world is unfolding with an interesting mix of drama, vitual romance and vilifying egos.
While the former is fun latter a mortal throttle and unsettling.

When the coffee table becomes an extension of the living room and myriad mosaic of characters emerge to play their part.

While one enjoys seamlessly palying a part and simultaneously stand outside of oneself and see events of life unfolding.

Interesting, very interesting indeed :-)

Brewing minds

...coffee connections and vitual existence..that's how I will define the events as they have unfolded over the last one month and little more. Addictive, compulsive bunch and mulitiple layer transcending the real and making vitual fun.

Now I understand how apt the coffee table relationship term is - whosoever coined it. When cafe becomes the extension of living room and day spills over 24 hrs or so it seems.

It would seem like a random bantering..but churnings are really vague bag at the moment.
It is fun when random becomes regular and chance meetings become habit.

Interesting motions intersperse the coffee table and beyond there is a new world that unfolds. Random becomes real and all else flows seamlessly.

When I saw her from close quarters

Ooh!That was quite close when I met acclaimed actor and social activist Shabana Azmi.

I reached on time sharp. Whiled I lingered in IHC lobby looking at some odd exhibits on display my phone beeped, "sorry to keep you waiting. please come up to my room."

I was a little, very little though, jittery. But as she opened the door to me with a smile I eased.

She was extremely tired after her tour of her father's village carrying forward the some development initiatives by him.

I sat a little in disbelief, that I was seeing her from such close and personal quarters, and little in confidence as I went briefing her on the subject for media interviews lined up.

We chatted a bit and I left with a smile.

An odd working saturday filled with events to make memories. Evening followed with rerun of Delhi 6 with my 'likeable' man who sat there quite a loss with the language but understood the film even without me having to explain except the odd bits here and there after the film. Impressive yeah!

Lilies bid adieu

9:30 p.m 27 February 2009

I thought I had tucked away my emotions after having spent my tears over the last few days. 

Ahem! I was wrong. 

The two men (read one of special significance) disappeared leaving me wondering, "where the hell" only to make an appearance with two choco cake. The 'one of special significance' with stalks of liliies carefully chosen to make a perfect pose of pink, white and green  with many yet to bloom.

He chose them saying "lilies define her", I was told. I was flattered. He wanted something which I could hold close and need I say I did hold them really close.

The day felt special. I was trying to collect the memories in all its details, unedited.

Perched in our balcony, the soiree soon brewed with madness with odd bolly tunes playing on his ipod.

Someone teasingly remarked, " She likes everything about you" which was met with, "I am just so likeable," giving way to peals and bursts.

Oh yes, I am for some odd reason very thrilled with the idea of an afternoon in the bar and he knows it.

Till we actually moved out it was 5:30 and I had to catch a flight towards midnight. I might have risked missing it in my high and happy state. Besides this one offered to tab the time for me.

So there we were three of us at the bar counter and beer came flowing and bonding to go with it. 

I wanted time to freeze as my gaze did suddenly taking note of little detail (under the garb of intent listening) - his hazel eyes, deep voice and taut muscles of his forearms. Errrrrrrrrrr! I was only listening to him and I just told you. Well like they say all good things do end and this did too with a warm hug and lingering longing.

I am falling in love with the 'likeable man".

I reached home with totally disconnected concerns - rush- rush, pack-pack-call the cab. Phew!

As I scurry through and ready to leave I turn around and look at those lilies. I smile.

Lilies will be abloom when I get back.

Overwhelmed

Eyes are welling up. Last leg of my stint here. I leave day after. Time seems to be flying faster than I imagined.

The office assistant  said, " madam ji why are you leaving, dont go. aapse baat karke hum logon bhi achha lagta tha."

I meekly smile back while emotions galloping inside.

I went to the reception for some odd job and 'aunty' as I enderaing call her gave me a hug saying she will miss me a lot. She is one of the dearest friend I will be leaving behind.

Our protocol manager is the most 'sadoo' man incapabale of consitent niceties. "Let me take you out for lunch." That brought the outburst of tears and more hugs followed.

I would refrain from using 'gora'. Darn!! without realising I was being a racist.

That now becomes 'sexy man in black rimmed glasses'. I was in the balcony when he made an appearance with a white chit in his hands and extended towards me. Befuddled I open 'dal tadke, jeera rice, aloo paratha and a box of ladoos' is what he wanted for lunch. The note ended with a smiley. I am going to miss this. 

Afernoon was terrible with bad cramps to couple my already crumbling emotional state. I lay head down on my desk. Someone told me he clicked my picture while I lay eyes shut writhing in pain. 

Two more days to go...

My lunch friends have offered to fill me with gatronomics delight with home cooked food. I feel loved wanted and pampared.

One friend is getting used to calling me on my phone after work in preparedness for times when I am gone. The dress rehearsal has begun.

'P' my team-mate. The same guy whose car got towed away. 

Yes I am going to miss the car ride till ansals and stop-overs at times to the momo joint and smoky puffs. This is our bonding trademark interspersed with conversation about work and other significant things in our lives - his kids and wife. And  random tidbits from my life.

I left office without 'P' today. While I scurried through the market in search of an auto I was already getting a glimpse into my future in which all would figure not in the same way.

I reached home which lots of choco dose hoping that would turn off the descending blues. Of no avail. I restlesslessly walked on my terrace...back and forth...came inside and the next moment I find myself howling. And blank empty canvas yet to find new colors.

A certain breed of men

They leave you with a complete loss of words. And confused if it deserves any reaction at all. I am very sure now. I  am glad we are not together, the fact I was trying to reconcile in destiny, this that and the other finally settles with a simple logic.

Not to mention, I was floored again with the last conversation and his empty words of respect he vowed for me. 

In less than a week he gets married. So he is in town.

Tucked myself comfortably to sleep quite early only to wake up with a 'tring tring' and a vague familiarity with the digits displaying on my screen. And it is 3:00 a.m.

"Hey I was out with my friends and was wondering if you would want to catch up after I leave from here.,"

Even in my groggy state something rang clear in my mind, "Dude what are you thinking, your soon to change life is just 5 days away and you feel things are just the same. Hah!,"

"Hey, how are you?Its too late. See if you could tomorrow," I said with unimaginable ease.

Sometimes people mistake your goodness for your weakness which can fit into their convinience ever. 

One call. And it has ended even a little dreg of the last remains. Ashes. All I can say.

Memory in the ruins of Delhi

Lovely skyline, sunny afternoon, breezy heights and company to complete the perfect afternoon.

Little peak into the history that lies in the backyards of expanding Delhi, peaceful and quiet tucked away into the oblivion with few frequenting the once bastions of power and the silent tomb that lies across the road.

We found a cozy turf on top overlooking the cityscape amid the blowing breeze and competing snarling traffic losing out. It was like traveling back in time but aware of the contrasting space that dots our urbanscape.

Click!Click! captured the time in mind while camera did the same in its visual details.

And there I was struggling to light my ciggy against the force of wind when he just did some odd perfect and it worked. Gave me some logic of science having done that.

He gets strangely fascinated with stray dogs, and there we had the whole puppy parlour, and almost always gets tempted to take them home. 

Time to get back to our maddening civilisation and crazy crowded routine. We were pooped and needed some coffee to awaken the sleepy minds and then back home to writing my blog post.

We are both making memories in our own ways he of the country and me of the company.

The hero never dies

And thank God for that. And thank bollywood that optimism triumphs when cynicism gives a tough fight.

And you dont want good looking heroes to die even on the silver screen, do you?

Delhi 6 revs up emotions and if you belong to female fraternity it makes all go drool and moon over the AB baby..Ooh la la

There half the job done and half the time fancying envy with the one who shared the screen space..I want to be a star too (thats an open secret dream ;) in my teeny weeny heart). Well I will give it to the girl as well..hmmm. By the way Rakeysh happens to be on my FB friends list too. Don't ask how :) but feels cool. hehehhe

And my dear Hanu does some sky antics too in the film. And yes there is a 'kala bandar' too and funnily so fits seamlessly with the film stirring ugly and happy moments. Go watch it to know how.

I am watching it again. No points for guessing why I will. I am single and can wear my heart on my sleeves.

So that said the day was no less filmy. Entered the office which looked deserted due to some shit meeting happening. So there I was waiting for 'some' people (read one gora) to at least show up.

Yes he did and we sat with our coffee in the balcony; he with cool star sunglasses and me with my smoke stick between my fingers of course enjoying the strong sun.

Then a couple of more people trickled in and the lull demanded some action. Least we could do was have some music. By the way the 'gora' has an amazingly good assortment of world music including some shit home grown (bolly bolly). One that stand out ' wada na tod, tu muh na mod' to my utmost shock.

So we were all in a frolicy mood and frappe flowed in to make a perfect after lunch addendum.

This someone wanted to join us for the film, ignore the fact that he can't follow much of hindi, but enjoys our flicks all the same. 

Well he didn't. Is suffering severe blue on the thought of leaving Our Bharat Mahan. India has that effect and you will see it doubling up in Delhi 6. So he did'nt though tickets were bought and hoped he did come. Well he is feeling low and and multiple mysterious emotions.

By the way he has been clicking pictures of the balcony, his work station and of me too though with no obvious intent. He is making memories, I am already living mine. 

Listening to Maula mere maula from Delhi 6 on my stereo. On that note I sign off. 

Mind and multiple mosaic

Long day it was. While I am yet to join the new assignment in less than a week, I am neck deep in work in my current position so weaning away has not happened as they say. That said I am getting sucked into the new job with constant emails seeking inputs this that and the other. 

Peace and focus is divided and diverted. 

I get up with a start in the middle of the night confused whats causing the clutter. I want my peace back. But how?

Present are so deeply woven with the past that we can jot the dotted lines backwards  but not so much with the future unknown and unclear but yes will connect in continuum.

Little green balcony that we have in office is a little haven overlooking a green canopy of lush tress where we sit with our smoke, coffee and lunches. Balcony is a metaphor for the collective and the personal and both equally comfortable in its co- existence. This is where the day starts and includes the quick stand-up meeting and where the day ends with a round up which is incomplete without a shared puff.

Something that has become an integral part of me. I will miss this space.

A colleague and a teammate, someone I started with on a very tempestuous note, not very comfortable and a lot more edgy.

I am surprised at how that has evolved over the time gone by. A deep friendship that will stay.

Someone who is driven by immense passion for life, his wife and two adorable kids. Someone who will be a friend forever.

I will miss you and the work energy that we share.

How can I not mention the bunch of women of all age range from 50 odd years to 20 somethings which makes me the youngest and hence most pampered in all quarters including the men at work;). Mornings are incomplete without a quick debrief of the evening before, randon banter silly jokes and assortment of fruits that kick starts the day. We get through the flurry of activities in mere five minutes. 

I will miss the quick hellos that I drop to everyone on my way up to my desk. 

I am making memories at work, I never realised. I will allow it to sink in.