Momos, tea and walk

Fun filled. No strings there. Carefree and casual yet inexplicable thrill..An ease that only long lasting knowing bring along. There is a 'known unknown'. But no cares.

Momos at the busy evening stall, and walk along for another tea stop to random walk and cheers. Normal yet special.

Everyday seems special in a certain way :-)

Alive anew

It's beautiful
Colours come alive
Insanity, sanity
An endless debate

It's the little cheer
In the mundane zingsaw
Which fixes right
Across and downs

Withering willows
Comes abloom
In the autumn
Negating the rules of the game

Branching out
A world anew
Starting afresh
Like the morning dew

Beckons me yonder
A world unknown
A dreamy maze
A am walking in my sleep
To wake to the dream come alive

Feels like love yet again

I thought I had lost it somewhere. But my heart is potentially alive, it beats and skips a beat too.
The romantic rush feels no more sane but yes it does seem to give me a drive.
Should I say, it's just been two weeks and it's growing like how.
If everything goes well we might turn into neighbours.
Well let me explain, I have been struggling with being potentially homeless and looking for a house frantically.
Found a dream house - a red brick duplex with an awesome terrace overlooking the seamless jungle..ah I am still reveling in that fleeting dreamlike state..
There is an urgency to move out by the end of this week. This brings me back to the story where I began this post.
So this new zing has just moved to the maddening city from Bangalore. From the word go it was good. Instantaneous chemistry, something that shook me from my comfort zone.
Like we always settle in our set mould or we set a mould that is too comfotable to move from. And suddenly a zany feeling that tugs you hard and knocks you off the balance you have striven hard to achieve.
A fleeting boundary that sets your head against heart or two logical heads within.
I am watching!

Dreams unwound

Dreams have an innate tendency to become real. Virtual is in a way a real denial. But it sure is another world, when the equations are totally different in person in which a certain level of constructs remain, but the boundaries merge in the exploratory space. The whole notion of relationship is now being reconfigured in the limitless space that it is.

But the question is in the merging realities which real is real? The question is beset with dichotomy and dualism.

But the above is not much different from the hypocricy of the real either. Where we constantly deny what's real in a conscious manner. So that's teh existence of virtual real and vice-versa.

Vagueness will dispel once I am able to figure out the meanings.

Lilies bid adieu

9:30 p.m 27 February 2009

I thought I had tucked away my emotions after having spent my tears over the last few days. 

Ahem! I was wrong. 

The two men (read one of special significance) disappeared leaving me wondering, "where the hell" only to make an appearance with two choco cake. The 'one of special significance' with stalks of liliies carefully chosen to make a perfect pose of pink, white and green  with many yet to bloom.

He chose them saying "lilies define her", I was told. I was flattered. He wanted something which I could hold close and need I say I did hold them really close.

The day felt special. I was trying to collect the memories in all its details, unedited.

Perched in our balcony, the soiree soon brewed with madness with odd bolly tunes playing on his ipod.

Someone teasingly remarked, " She likes everything about you" which was met with, "I am just so likeable," giving way to peals and bursts.

Oh yes, I am for some odd reason very thrilled with the idea of an afternoon in the bar and he knows it.

Till we actually moved out it was 5:30 and I had to catch a flight towards midnight. I might have risked missing it in my high and happy state. Besides this one offered to tab the time for me.

So there we were three of us at the bar counter and beer came flowing and bonding to go with it. 

I wanted time to freeze as my gaze did suddenly taking note of little detail (under the garb of intent listening) - his hazel eyes, deep voice and taut muscles of his forearms. Errrrrrrrrrr! I was only listening to him and I just told you. Well like they say all good things do end and this did too with a warm hug and lingering longing.

I am falling in love with the 'likeable man".

I reached home with totally disconnected concerns - rush- rush, pack-pack-call the cab. Phew!

As I scurry through and ready to leave I turn around and look at those lilies. I smile.

Lilies will be abloom when I get back.

Overwhelmed

Eyes are welling up. Last leg of my stint here. I leave day after. Time seems to be flying faster than I imagined.

The office assistant  said, " madam ji why are you leaving, dont go. aapse baat karke hum logon bhi achha lagta tha."

I meekly smile back while emotions galloping inside.

I went to the reception for some odd job and 'aunty' as I enderaing call her gave me a hug saying she will miss me a lot. She is one of the dearest friend I will be leaving behind.

Our protocol manager is the most 'sadoo' man incapabale of consitent niceties. "Let me take you out for lunch." That brought the outburst of tears and more hugs followed.

I would refrain from using 'gora'. Darn!! without realising I was being a racist.

That now becomes 'sexy man in black rimmed glasses'. I was in the balcony when he made an appearance with a white chit in his hands and extended towards me. Befuddled I open 'dal tadke, jeera rice, aloo paratha and a box of ladoos' is what he wanted for lunch. The note ended with a smiley. I am going to miss this. 

Afernoon was terrible with bad cramps to couple my already crumbling emotional state. I lay head down on my desk. Someone told me he clicked my picture while I lay eyes shut writhing in pain. 

Two more days to go...

My lunch friends have offered to fill me with gatronomics delight with home cooked food. I feel loved wanted and pampared.

One friend is getting used to calling me on my phone after work in preparedness for times when I am gone. The dress rehearsal has begun.

'P' my team-mate. The same guy whose car got towed away. 

Yes I am going to miss the car ride till ansals and stop-overs at times to the momo joint and smoky puffs. This is our bonding trademark interspersed with conversation about work and other significant things in our lives - his kids and wife. And  random tidbits from my life.

I left office without 'P' today. While I scurried through the market in search of an auto I was already getting a glimpse into my future in which all would figure not in the same way.

I reached home which lots of choco dose hoping that would turn off the descending blues. Of no avail. I restlesslessly walked on my terrace...back and forth...came inside and the next moment I find myself howling. And blank empty canvas yet to find new colors.

Letter to the most loved

Dear 'S'

To start with I have moved on. But have I really?

You still remain the one I loved most intensely and honestly. I still remember January 11 when you said "What if 'we' get married?" My reponse may have been not so conencted with the question but yes deep down it was the happiest moment of my life.

You left to take up a job in another city and over the months that followed our relationship traveled more 'downs' with your emerging doubts and more 'ups' with my gut to hold on and make things work. Time for me froze in those words you spoke and my dreams started weaving you and me together happily ever after.

I was willing to put all at stake all that I held on with my life - myself and all that made 'me'. Even started looking for options to move to the city with you. But apparently all of it was not enough to move you.

For the first time ever, I was willing and ready to give you the reins of my life. I let go of the guards that defined me. All my armours fell. Yes you made me feel like a woman. 

The 'boyish charm' of you swept me off my feet and staccato moments started becoming linear memories.

Your playing guitar on the phone sometimes your eagerness to sing your favorite numbers and also some on demand for hours together made my heart go out to you. Yes I was willing to nurture that child in you and more.

The first time we met did not seem like the first at all. There was something that decided the pace something I could not decipher.

Imagined you as the man in my life and it brought alive the dream and desire to have you around all my life as mine.

You were not here but you presence was vividly etched in all of me and my life. I was weaving a dream.

It was a beautiful dream only if you were dreaming the same with me we would have made it a living reality.

I am happy for you and your new life with another someone. 

Love you still the same. Love doesn't change but gets buried and rusts with time when sudden flashes turn it green and alive in the dream unlived.

Love always.

Yours

Here and Now

Without a story of the past, who are you in the timeless present? Without a projection of an imagined future, who are you now?

What are you waiting for?

Choco mania

Ummmm...suddenly a craving for choco.. chocolate on my way home. I stopped by the nearest barista and indulged in chocolate excess with melting cho sauce on it (asked for extra flow there).

If that was not enough bought brownies as a means of lighter delight.

Nah..it doesnt seem enough..here goes more - a dairy milk that finally satiated the insatiable.

And while I sat browsing the health news section of BBC here is what it said and yes scientifically proven 

Melting chocolate is better than a passionate kiss, scientists have found. Follow the link to read more: 

Chocolate 'better than kissing'

The day that was

The weekend is getting over as the day wears on. A day is never without events as it is. At times it is the happenings around you and at the other it is the churnings inside. Both qualify to be the subject of events.

And yes by the logic of above lots has happened.

Friday was the day of speaking, shouting out my heart through the technocraft and text message. Sorted. 'Friendship triumphs'. 

While I write this a colleague just pointed to the article in today's ToI supplement written by a dear friend's mother, a friend who died in a  car crash in June last year.

He definetly was more than a friend but cannot define what it was that bound me to him.

As I continued to read the article something within me travels back to the days of knowing him. He was a journalist and a poet with fierce zeal for life. I did not even realise how smoothly he and his daughter became a part of my life. A borrowed life in default. 

Oxford bookstore, mandi house, dargah of nizamuddin, music concerts few places which contiune to haunt me and as it has happened they have ceased to be a part of my life and so has he.

A sufi enthusiast and his love for sitar which were a regular do at all the gathering in his lovely, warm home. His company was infectious and zeal contagious. A poet who would always want an avid admirer in me to accompany to the Delhi Poetree Club.

Now that I look back, I realise how ruthlessly I severed all that was 'us' with a sudden realisation that was nothing short of treading the rough path as the attachment grew. 

Afterall a borrowed life it was. But life happens to us in strange ways we fail to decipher when it is passing us by and it is only in afterthought that it dwells.

It was a friend and his colleague who broke the news of his accident to me. I was sleeping when the phone beeped and I was jolted with utter disbelief. 

I had not been in his contact for half a year before the news was brought to me. It was beyond any redemption now, I had been cruel to dismiss his calls and text messages and requests to meet not to realise that the moment would never come back. But as they say knowledge is fleeting and eludes you in most desperate times. 

He is gone. No longer a part of many lives he touched with affection, zeal, love and much more.

Someone who made me feel special. 

Layered dreams

Layer within layers 

feathered they are 

dreams and hopes 

Pleasure is seeking

Success is achieving 

Love is giving 

and life a journey

Stuccato, linear countours

getting lost in the nooks and shelves

while one rusts the other blossoms

and life becomes a glen of dreams

some broken while others awaiting the wings to fly

Countdown begins

Well lots of changes afoot. Life's taking a new turn. A new job responsibility a new organisation. This is my last month with my current employer.

I wish I could take a break by the sea. But possibility seems bleak as I have take on the task immediately. 

On a personal front, loneliness is setting on. I am sure you understand what I mean. A phase in life where you need a certain anchor in life to hold your emotional energies. Thats what they mean by stability. I need a stabilizer. A companionship as I understand. A sense of togetherness in doing little this and that or doing nothing at all. Where you hear words in silence, extension of you in the other. Your own sense of self merges while maintaining one's own. 

Phew! lost and found and lost again. 

This morning I logged on to facebook and saw my cousin's kids. Adorable three. 

I seem ready to experience all that could be mine and ours. 

Relieved like how

After months of edginess inside, feigning calm exterior, I finally spelt it out.

I am feeling very light. I am glad I did that and ready for the consequences as well. 

That said, what I definetly do not want is the freindship to change. I will be happy with the status quo than upsetting the balance in that.

Yes, we have spent lot of time together over the last year and a half of his stay in India.

Beautiful friendship that I never thought would be when he first arrived. All we had was verbal banters.

Oh ya, when we were all in Johannesburg for a meeting. A friend seeing our interaction remarked, "Two of you are like characters from a novel where it starts with fights and eventually ends in love."

Well at least for me it is like living that prophecy. 

Life always throws siuations at us and leaves us to deal with it. Can we ask life to be more fair.

Lets see how it unfolds in the coming month that we will be in the same organisation. I move to another organisation and he back to his country. Ahem

Hold on, my heart!

It is getting crazier by the day. The throbbing and thumping is getting out of control.

Losing sleep and appetite both.

I guess it is only natural and normal with so many changes afoot. Changing job turning new turf, new people, new profile...excited I am but jittery too given the comfort zone that I am ensconced in at my current work zone.

Well well! I am sure all will fall in place.

But weaning away is also painful. When you want to hold on to nice things like the last straw.

The 'object of my affection' has not come in at work which means I miss another day and my memory machine stays idle..

So practically no lunch outing and no walk back:-(

Me making memories

Saturday morning began  with a predominant laze haze. 

"May be I could just stay in and listen to music, read and sleep"

Just when I was readying for the set mission the phone peeped

"Hey I am going for lunch at ansals and then may be museum. wanna come?" said the sender

Well it was not so much the 'what' of the text that sent a little rush but...yes the sender :-)

Could I resist that? nah..

This was a 'gora' at work who wanted a company of someone he thinks he shares a wonderful friendship with.

Ahem! but she was alreday dreaming on...cherishing the moments and making memories..

As the 'friend' will soon leave India.

So I set off with whims flying high with spurts of rational chiding at the same go.

"You have been counseling him on resolving his 'complicated' love life. How can you now...Friendship must outweigh the romantic air," said the mind.

So its settled "You cannot risk it. Live it as long as it lasts and enjoy the 'friendship'

So it was a lovely auto ride..and museum do..spending good quiet afternoon wall gazing with snippets of art and the other worldly artefacts ...while this world going mush mush inside that friendly exterior :-) I will let this one pass.

You are gone

You are gone...
And my world came crashing down

You were not there
to see the ashes of burnt dreams...

Love hurts and hurt it does

When you have given all to that one
who never realised what he lost...

That aches and writhes, only i feel
my heart cries, only i hear

A lone battle
i lost all, but nothing in you
for you were never there in this journey with me...

A blank canvas i want
to paint a dream again

Waking up by your side,
with your smell onto me,

Morning tells the tale
of the night before,
in a flashback as i recall

Wrinkled sheet, cigarette buds,
wine bottles, strewn robes
You and me, picture of love

As i turn around, i see you sleeping like a child
a little peek of ray playing on your face

I steal a moment,
from the life's closet

Running away into
the landscape beyond

Moments waft like smoke
from a long lit cigarrette
That remained clenched
between my fingers forever

Ah a long wait tis been
before i had a li'l steal from life

midnight meetings
frenzied moments

aah, it felt like love
an eternal bliss
that's all i would call it

sweet nothings
when even the silence spoke
there i was melting in his arms
a smile enough to tickle me pink

it snapped with just one gust
leaving me with memories galore
a lurking melancholy, in the fleeting glee
i wanted you forever
when you were mine only for the moment

i look out of the window and see a falling leaf
drifting with the wind
like a rudderless boat
that;s how i feel now
listless, drained, empty
painting a blank canvas
with the colors of pain

A whisper of the wind
takes me by awe

The expanse I experience
sitting by the sea

The dark sky aloft
tells me a story unknown

Life seems small
and spaces galore

A splash of dreams
of all I am
in a world I call my own

Surreal waxes real
life becomes life

I want to walk along the unknown
in a world of dreams