Delhi, they say is a city of dreams. Is it?

I arrived in Delhi 11 years back for my higher studies and stayed on. The city has given me all from education to opportunity - it has all been a smooth sail.

A landscape of dreams indeed, on its way to being a world class city ahead of commonwealth games.

Government raised over Rs.52 billion for the 2010 Commonwealth Games as well as provision of land for stadiums and other constructions, Rs.105.71 billion for the first phase of the Delhi Metro and over Rs.10 billion for the high capacity bus corridor.

Delhi is iconic of a shining India and a thriving middle class with its shopping arcades, malls and glitzy cars doing the rounds. Add to the list the rich and mighty, the movers and shakers. Can it get fancier than this?

Now contrast this with almost 20 % Delhi’s population living in slums - the second highest slum population in India. The living conditions are worse than we can imagine without basic health and hygiene facilities. Sewage flows freely on the streets outside Sanjay Colony, one of several colonies in northwest Delhi at the edge of a large dumping ground for much of the city’s garbage which we visited. Clean drinking water is a very precious commodity. Space crunch forces even a family of five and more to share a one room accommodation and cook outside in the open with drains without cover.

It is this paradox of existence that confounds me without any plausible answer.

The national capital ‘boasts’ of doubling infant mortality in the last three years. It’s a shocking revelation on scratching the shiny surface.

They don’t have access to even basic health facilities and those that are available are far off and expensive. In effect an estimated 83 % of the urban poor mothers give birth in their homes and without skilled attendants. Women and children stand to suffer the most.

Government blames it on teeming migrating population that infest the cities.

Why do they come to the cities in the first place?

They too like many of us come in search of their dreams of better future. Agriculture is no longer a viable livelihood option for many. They land up in the city working as daily wage labour or picking up some odd jobs to eke out a living. Only that they lag far behind in keeping pace with competing dreams of those above. In this race of inequality a poor man’s dream obviously comes crashing.

Where does this reality fit in my life which is far removed from the one I saw? I guess I knew.

I felt connected to their dreams, those smiling faces of children that greeted when we entered the narrow alleyways of the colony. I felt connected to my consciousness.

I came back with a greater sense of responsibility and resolve to do the best I can to make a difference.

Looking at the urgent needs of the community, Save the Children India is providing comprehensive medical care through mobile health clinic catering especially to the needs of women and children living in the slums of northwest Delhi.

We have taken the first step. Much more needs to be done. Together we can.

Where is your heart, Kunal?

“I was appalled when I learnt that 2 million children die every year in India before they are five – that is 1 child every 15 seconds. While I am thinking about which next restaurant to go to or which clothes to buy, there are so many millions who are crying for help. I don’t have any technical knowhow but I know I want to make a difference. I am not here with my head, I am here with my heart willing to do my bit,” said Kunal at the Delhi launch. Audience cheered on and EVERY ONE moved to the wall to sign up their support for the campaign in the end.

While Kunal may have his heart in the right place, he had many hearts skip beats from the moment he landed in Delhi.

The morning of October 8^th was an utter frenzy. The campaign team including our lovely interns were to leave early for the venue which was the lawn of India Habitat Centre to oversee that event guys were doing their job well and followed our brief to the T.

“Make sure the layout is not over the top. We want a classy and elegant set up,” was the brief to the event company when we first met.

While I was supposed to be leaving with the team, but we had a popular radio channel RadioMirchi interested in interviewing our celeb heartthrob. So now I had to go pick Kunal from the airport and take him to the studio. (I am sure many of you may know Kunal set India and Bangladesh fighting over himJ)

There was a whole joke in the office about me just a text away from Kunal. Fun stuff! But when you are dealing with celebs for work you have to ignore your heart, never mind a good looker like KunalJ I have learnt this in my little stint at celeb management for another charity even earlier. Treat them as equal, give them the deserving respect and keep it business.

So I reached the airport in time to pick our star power for the evening. I was pacing with impatience.

My phone wouldn’t stop ringing – event guys, team members, venue coordination etc etc.

An hour and a half after the scheduled time the man arrives. I requested him to come to the radio station straight. He complied.

“I am sorry, you had to wait for so long but my flight was delayed,” he said with a winsome smile.

While we stood there talking, there were hushed whispers from many quarters – some came up to him for autograph, some came and literally forced their mobile camera phones in my hands to get their pictures.

Phew!!! How do celebrities manage this constant glare? I wondered aloud. “It’s just a job for us too, Pragya,” he answered.

The staff at Radio station were all set with a welcome bouquet, girls all huddled at the reception, office boys just hanging about to catch a celeb from the close quarters. Cameras went click! click! click! endlessly.

Time to go on air. Kunal knew his lines well – about Save the Children – ending with ‘log on to www.every-one.in to support the campaign.’

Well done Kunal!!!

As we go down, there is another rioting bunch ready with pens and papers for his autograph. He complied with smile.

My phone started ringing again as we sat in the car. Some crisis. It stopped. Rang again. And that continued.

While I was dealing with issues, He was snoozing and ummmm snoring too J

Leaving him at the hotel with the car, I rushed in a taxi to the venue to sort out stuff.

Wow! I was impressed with the set up. It just looked fantastic, just the way I thought it should be.

I spotted Raghu in the exhibition area and rushed to greet him and thank him profusely for the lovely pictures – the highlight of the evening along with the actor.

Awesome start to the campaign. EVERY ONE’s heart is in the right place. The effort behind the launch paid off. It’s just the beginning. We will keep at it till we ensure that every child has a future to look forward to. We make a resolve.

(When I am very happy, my eyes well up) Thanks team.

Behind the scene

A month of launches – in Bomaby and Delhi and Calcutta joined in last week. Action packed and thrill filled.

From celeb soiree to community voices, they made for the best launch experience.

Bombay here we come with EVERY ONE.

We were all set – venue set, mothers from the communities arrived, we needed our celeb supporter to turn up now to complete the checklist.

It was pouring with rain on 5^th October in Bombay which seemed to dampen the spirits a bit – only a bit though.

The young and famous actress and former Miss World Priyanka Chopra was the bait to the media who feeds on Bollywood and buzz around them.

She had agreed…ummm…well could not make it. Those of us who have managed events know it’s all about risk management and last minute glitches. But not all lost. We had a video message from her to play at the launch.

We had to make this a success nontheless. So I zoomed the car to pick up Shabana Azmi, noted actress and social activist supporting EVERY ONE campaign.

Thank God for the new Mumbai sea link connecting two far ends. It was a real blessing in the daunting rain and worsening traffic. For a moment I distracted myself to grey sea view and regained my composure.

(About Mumbai sea link: Took10 years to make instaed of estimated 4 years and cost triple the estimated amount –f ew thousand crores- and you have pay 70 Rs to cross the sea link. It still is the pride of Mumbai.)

I reached in time. Shabana had returned from Hyderabad just a while ago.

“Pragya, why don’t you join us for lunch? I will be just 10 minutes to change and ready to leave,” said Shabana.

Food was obviously the last thing on my mind. I politely declined and asked for a glass of water.

We were escorted to the car with umbrella. It seemed like a cloud burst, rain just wouldn’t stop

Back to business. I started briefing Shabana about the campaign and the issue. She seemed very well clued in to the issue so that did half the work. I recapped few pointers as our car drew close to the venue.

Mothers from the communities were eagerly waiting for interaction with a ‘film star’ after a session with Dr Manisha, Save the Children’s own health expert.

After leaving her with the group and staff, I rush upstairs to check if our media friends had arrived. Very few by then. Some called to check if we were still going ahead with our launch. Some were stuck in traffic and rain. As they say ‘The show must go on’.

So finally our media friends started trickling in to make a comfortable count.

We were ready to launch. Shabana came on stage and made quite an impact. EVERY ONE echoed along, “Enough is Enough.”

Indeed. It’s a shame for India to let its children die while boasting of 9% GDP growth. While 2 million children dying may be mere statistic for some, it is a personal tragedy for families who lose their child.

India! it’s a wakeup call to save your children.

Letter from a friend - connecting lives on a singular plane

hey there,

sorry for not calling back last night, had ppl over,,. and spent the entire day today being a book worm. there is so much to give as an update, at the same time there seems to be nothing at all. feel like writing in to you. have a feeling that there is a similar energy floating in your life too.. cld be mistaken.

as far as events go here is a quick update. Got a lovely new house. the job is having some financial woes, a number of close friends have exited the city in various stages over the past month, from socially packed days, the wheels of time are now itching by slowly, and in the middle of all this is me.

Came back from a short trip to UK, with a desire to get out of india next year... a yearnig, driven more i think because there is no strong left in Bangalore that keeps me going, and there is a lot of travelling to do there. Yet the inner me knows that the hollowness that i feel now has nothing to do with the city i choose to live in.

and the paradox is, being the self aware people that we are I also know that no man, marriage, location can make this "fulfillment" come. yet there is such a high desire to flop over like a very tired dog in the delhi heat, and wait mournfully for someone to do something.

No real man has come. a few old friends popped here n there. The ex bf/live in partner still made a strong case to want to marry; spent diwali with him, yet the relationship has changed its shape for me and i cant "feel" anything arnd him anymore.

Sorry. as i type this i sound like a mini sucidal case. It is not true. Am ok really. there are happy days and some quiet ones. but the overall sense is one of calm anticipation, like the stormy silence before a mob decided what to do.............how are things with u.. see a lot of angst in the status messages and the frenzy of work as well.. the getting so much to come to life at work and the life at home must be a battle u face..

r u in touch with somesh? does the karmic connect get re called now n then.... hope the mail did not come as too much of a vomit session.. was not the intention. ....... would love to know where u are, does this sudden silence, this feeling old yet young, so much to do, yet the feeling of needing someone to be there, disappearance of old ties, anticipation of new? is this me just with too much brain space or universal..............

await ur reply...
warm hug

n

And I did respond by a phone call and marvelled at the cosmic connection. I passed on this mail to my other best friend who said "Hey there is so much of us in the mail," and gushed how she has found her motivation back.

Three people find connection in reflection of life and love and all that defines it.

On bended knee is no way to be free - Eddie Vedder

On bended knee is no way to be free
Lifting up an empty cup, I ask silently
All my destinations will accept the one that's me
So I can breathe...

Circles they grow and they swallow people whole
Half their lives they say goodnight to wives they'll never know
A mind full of questions, and a teacher in my soul
And so it goes...

Don't come closer or I'll have to go
Holding me like gravity are places that pull
If ever there was someone to keep me at home
It would be you...

Everyone I come across, in cages they bought
They think of me and my wandering, but I'm never what they thought
I've got my indignation, but I'm pure in all my thoughts
I'm alive...

Wind in my hair, I feel part of everywhere
Underneath my being is a road that disappeared
Late at night I hear the trees, they're singing with the dead
Overhead...

Leave it to me as I find a way to be
Consider me a satellite, forever orbiting
I knew all the rules, but the rules did not know me

Removed and content

Well it is a nice feeling and strange at the same time. I am in Calcutta and I am oblivious of all the clutter that throng on me in Delhi.
It is like removed from the scene of action and you cannot be bothered.
There is a calmness and stillness within which has suddenly stepped out to see the clutter passing by and yes to it's utmost relief.
The emotional clutter that was talking over my head is now taking a leisured walk.
Woohooo! I am getting back to control and loving it.
And I have decoded a solution or so I think.
I don't want anyone to spoil this clutter even though the temptation of my heart may leap over.
I need to keep the sanity intact and let that rule.
Choices I have had in Love:
1. Cried my way to the doom
2. Desitiny led to the doom
3. NOW I have so far been laughing my way to the same doom
Don't get me wrong here. i am not blaming any of the above. Choice at the end of it was mine. At least I know what I ought to be doing.
And that is I am not letting anyone upset my inner equilibrium.
Let the other sort out their own mind and be around on my condition. As I mentioned i my earlier post my strength becomes my dooming grave. Yes I am strong enough to tackle my emotional vagaries. Cry out loud and let it out and bounce back on my feet.
But I am not going to let anyone to use it as a dumping bag. My own life situation is already enough to deal with, I don't want more.
I have got my answers. I am removed and content.

Of life universe and magic

Well, it's been a low ebb, confidence sinking, losing the zing..thank God it passed. Things fall in place if you just let it be..step back and take a deep breath

magic magic magic...it happens!

Magic 1: We cracked one simple campaign idea yippie!!!
Magic 2: I finally get my post paid connection
Magic 3: (Awaited) need my UK visa in flat three days..pray I get..London calling and dreams too :-)
I am sort of getting my zing back.
A friend said "you have spark, you are a bubbling cauldron" Thanks friend.

I have been so used to being at the centre of action and attention (professionally). I guess I have not been able to handle the low key for last one month. I want action! action! that's what drives me.

I need the centrestage! I know! I need to awaken the fire in me!

Why am I resigned to singlehood

Life seems content on all fronts, but sometimes a lurking question sets me wondering.
Why am I single?
Am I committment phobic? What type?
A rushed glimpse into my past relationships makes me reflect.
I have repeatedly formed alliances with men (unconsciously) with those who were emotionally unavailable, or men who were not good enough for me (so my friends would tell and I would turn a deaf ear to it) or worse still who I knew were fully into me.
All in all a doomed story from the very start.
And when it would officially end, I would resign myself to fate and cry my heart out. For isn't crying over loss normal?
Well, yes, or trying to behave normal (subconsciously). At least I have imbibed some from the collective normal ethos.
On the same note, now that I think, I have always run away from men who bring along security, lasting love and stability as they all want.
What is it that I want?

Dil-e-nadan na samajh paye
To mera kya kasoor
Teri justhu mein
Har waqt rehta hai maghroor

Dil ko ya armaan tha,
Jo kal tha woh aaj bhi moujood hota
Wo khayal, woh ehsaas
Kareeb mere wajood hota

Life is fair, even in despair
Love lives in my intimate imaginaire
Life's good, so I declare
What's destiny I stand and behold!

When ex flame turns a friend

I always heard people say, relationship once ended should be a closed chapter.
That always set me thinking 'what's more important - destination that lost path or journey that made it worthwhile'
If the latter, how could people who once formed the most significant element of our lives cease to be a part of it. In both literal and figurative terms. Even if they are not with you they are very much a part of abstract existence - in memories and mindscape.
And yes, I am experiencing the same in a more fulfilling way that I could ever have probably. The openness and connect that's there now, was never seen before. A new level that transcends all narrow bounds of worldly cares.
I am happy the way it is.

Where the buck stops

Not where it should ideally. Why do we push limits and press buttons that trigger unwanted airwaves?

The human mind acts on funny kicks or so it seems. What is apparent is not real and a parallel world exists and denizens of the real inhabit the evil, vicious intent.

A funny world is unfolding with an interesting mix of drama, vitual romance and vilifying egos.
While the former is fun latter a mortal throttle and unsettling.

When the coffee table becomes an extension of the living room and myriad mosaic of characters emerge to play their part.

While one enjoys seamlessly palying a part and simultaneously stand outside of oneself and see events of life unfolding.

Interesting, very interesting indeed :-)

Dreams unwound

Dreams have an innate tendency to become real. Virtual is in a way a real denial. But it sure is another world, when the equations are totally different in person in which a certain level of constructs remain, but the boundaries merge in the exploratory space. The whole notion of relationship is now being reconfigured in the limitless space that it is.

But the question is in the merging realities which real is real? The question is beset with dichotomy and dualism.

But the above is not much different from the hypocricy of the real either. Where we constantly deny what's real in a conscious manner. So that's teh existence of virtual real and vice-versa.

Vagueness will dispel once I am able to figure out the meanings.

Brewing minds

...coffee connections and vitual existence..that's how I will define the events as they have unfolded over the last one month and little more. Addictive, compulsive bunch and mulitiple layer transcending the real and making vitual fun.

Now I understand how apt the coffee table relationship term is - whosoever coined it. When cafe becomes the extension of living room and day spills over 24 hrs or so it seems.

It would seem like a random bantering..but churnings are really vague bag at the moment.
It is fun when random becomes regular and chance meetings become habit.

Interesting motions intersperse the coffee table and beyond there is a new world that unfolds. Random becomes real and all else flows seamlessly.

Mind and multiple mosaic

Long day it was. While I am yet to join the new assignment in less than a week, I am neck deep in work in my current position so weaning away has not happened as they say. That said I am getting sucked into the new job with constant emails seeking inputs this that and the other. 

Peace and focus is divided and diverted. 

I get up with a start in the middle of the night confused whats causing the clutter. I want my peace back. But how?

Present are so deeply woven with the past that we can jot the dotted lines backwards  but not so much with the future unknown and unclear but yes will connect in continuum.

Little green balcony that we have in office is a little haven overlooking a green canopy of lush tress where we sit with our smoke, coffee and lunches. Balcony is a metaphor for the collective and the personal and both equally comfortable in its co- existence. This is where the day starts and includes the quick stand-up meeting and where the day ends with a round up which is incomplete without a shared puff.

Something that has become an integral part of me. I will miss this space.

A colleague and a teammate, someone I started with on a very tempestuous note, not very comfortable and a lot more edgy.

I am surprised at how that has evolved over the time gone by. A deep friendship that will stay.

Someone who is driven by immense passion for life, his wife and two adorable kids. Someone who will be a friend forever.

I will miss you and the work energy that we share.

How can I not mention the bunch of women of all age range from 50 odd years to 20 somethings which makes me the youngest and hence most pampered in all quarters including the men at work;). Mornings are incomplete without a quick debrief of the evening before, randon banter silly jokes and assortment of fruits that kick starts the day. We get through the flurry of activities in mere five minutes. 

I will miss the quick hellos that I drop to everyone on my way up to my desk. 

I am making memories at work, I never realised. I will allow it to sink in.

Freedom like it never was

Are we all running away? 

After a quiet day to myself cleaning, cooking, reading, surfing, music being a constant company, I had no plans to go out. My phone rang, it was my regular coffee companion and friend on the other end.

I agreed and went out to our usual haunt - Barista. Interesting bunch of people around and one significant loud woman with her mom and another guy with his - apprently prospective partnership at its initial first step - may be would lead somewhere.

Taking cue from the table next, we drifted to discussing what we would want in our prospective partners. I have had my share of experience and he just out of his  engagement. Freedom as I experience is premised on things falling in line on its own and freedom for my friend emanates from his set of wants.

Being circumspect is also an escapade. Whether it is allowing the universe to conspire to make it happen or running away from what you have in the name of freedom. While these thoughts made waves inside, we both had a wishlist of what we want. 

Coffee, conversation and company made for an evening of little achievement but not without our book browsing, new arrivals and philosophy section.

Every commoner's life is a plot for a novel and that gives me hopes to pen down mine too :)

A someone from IIT, IIM, JNU weaving their own getting as close to your life or mine. 

I pick up a couple for weekend read spilling over to weekend next.

As I find a comfortable perch with black coffee and gear for my nicotine my phone shouts a call from another friend in town for a conference leaving early tomorrow morning. 

Another one wearing his freedom on the sleeve and happy to announce his single status. Seemed quite haapy for someone who is out of  relationship. What matters is the personal happiness. But why do we not get enough of that when we are with our significant best? What kills it that we begin to celebrate the freedom like never before?

The day that was

The weekend is getting over as the day wears on. A day is never without events as it is. At times it is the happenings around you and at the other it is the churnings inside. Both qualify to be the subject of events.

And yes by the logic of above lots has happened.

Friday was the day of speaking, shouting out my heart through the technocraft and text message. Sorted. 'Friendship triumphs'. 

While I write this a colleague just pointed to the article in today's ToI supplement written by a dear friend's mother, a friend who died in a  car crash in June last year.

He definetly was more than a friend but cannot define what it was that bound me to him.

As I continued to read the article something within me travels back to the days of knowing him. He was a journalist and a poet with fierce zeal for life. I did not even realise how smoothly he and his daughter became a part of my life. A borrowed life in default. 

Oxford bookstore, mandi house, dargah of nizamuddin, music concerts few places which contiune to haunt me and as it has happened they have ceased to be a part of my life and so has he.

A sufi enthusiast and his love for sitar which were a regular do at all the gathering in his lovely, warm home. His company was infectious and zeal contagious. A poet who would always want an avid admirer in me to accompany to the Delhi Poetree Club.

Now that I look back, I realise how ruthlessly I severed all that was 'us' with a sudden realisation that was nothing short of treading the rough path as the attachment grew. 

Afterall a borrowed life it was. But life happens to us in strange ways we fail to decipher when it is passing us by and it is only in afterthought that it dwells.

It was a friend and his colleague who broke the news of his accident to me. I was sleeping when the phone beeped and I was jolted with utter disbelief. 

I had not been in his contact for half a year before the news was brought to me. It was beyond any redemption now, I had been cruel to dismiss his calls and text messages and requests to meet not to realise that the moment would never come back. But as they say knowledge is fleeting and eludes you in most desperate times. 

He is gone. No longer a part of many lives he touched with affection, zeal, love and much more.

Someone who made me feel special. 

Third person: stories of collapse and crumbling dreams

So far it has all been about me. This one concerns lives of those around who matter to me. What has unfolded leaves me upset and unsettled. There is not much I can do though except pray they find their happiness and love restored.

First of these concern my two very good friends who have been together for a while now. And yes I had a teeny weeny role in bringing them together. They survived their living in the same city, then long distance and few months of living together and back to long distance when the guy moved down south and the other flew to Nepal. The guy much too willing to make it work while the other wore the robe of rigidity and never allowed her softer side to emerge (my sense having talked to both). The guy seemed sure to call it off feeling he had absolutely no influence or role to play in her life and there the relationship froze.

Second concerns someone I met while working in the organisation I do executing a project together and yes it has sustained all these years and shall. His life revolved around someone for good eight years surviving downs and ups. Now he is ready to take the plunge but the one who he wants it with has stepped back cowering under family pressure. And every vague word from the girl becomes hope personified for him. He somewhere knows the fact but is holding on the dreams he has been living and hoping would become real. 

Third is someone I have know for a long long time. A very good friend indeed. His news he broke over coffee that they have called off their official engagement. 

The last concerns the 'object of my affection'. He has been in love with someone for theree years including a year and half of his stay in India and of his love interest seeing someone else for the same period. However, the man in question loves too much holds on to hope and says "will see".

Though all of above concerns specific individuals I am sure it interprets all our lives in some way or the other. What keeps the hope alive or what dims the dreams is all a making of the mind.

Those who have it wish it away with their undoing and those who dont equally undo their possibilities by constructing walls to protect themselves. 

Why can it not be an idyllic world where honest efforts and emotions pay off in personal relationships?

Countdown begins

Well lots of changes afoot. Life's taking a new turn. A new job responsibility a new organisation. This is my last month with my current employer.

I wish I could take a break by the sea. But possibility seems bleak as I have take on the task immediately. 

On a personal front, loneliness is setting on. I am sure you understand what I mean. A phase in life where you need a certain anchor in life to hold your emotional energies. Thats what they mean by stability. I need a stabilizer. A companionship as I understand. A sense of togetherness in doing little this and that or doing nothing at all. Where you hear words in silence, extension of you in the other. Your own sense of self merges while maintaining one's own. 

Phew! lost and found and lost again. 

This morning I logged on to facebook and saw my cousin's kids. Adorable three. 

I seem ready to experience all that could be mine and ours.