Overwhelmed

Eyes are welling up. Last leg of my stint here. I leave day after. Time seems to be flying faster than I imagined.

The office assistant  said, " madam ji why are you leaving, dont go. aapse baat karke hum logon bhi achha lagta tha."

I meekly smile back while emotions galloping inside.

I went to the reception for some odd job and 'aunty' as I enderaing call her gave me a hug saying she will miss me a lot. She is one of the dearest friend I will be leaving behind.

Our protocol manager is the most 'sadoo' man incapabale of consitent niceties. "Let me take you out for lunch." That brought the outburst of tears and more hugs followed.

I would refrain from using 'gora'. Darn!! without realising I was being a racist.

That now becomes 'sexy man in black rimmed glasses'. I was in the balcony when he made an appearance with a white chit in his hands and extended towards me. Befuddled I open 'dal tadke, jeera rice, aloo paratha and a box of ladoos' is what he wanted for lunch. The note ended with a smiley. I am going to miss this. 

Afernoon was terrible with bad cramps to couple my already crumbling emotional state. I lay head down on my desk. Someone told me he clicked my picture while I lay eyes shut writhing in pain. 

Two more days to go...

My lunch friends have offered to fill me with gatronomics delight with home cooked food. I feel loved wanted and pampared.

One friend is getting used to calling me on my phone after work in preparedness for times when I am gone. The dress rehearsal has begun.

'P' my team-mate. The same guy whose car got towed away. 

Yes I am going to miss the car ride till ansals and stop-overs at times to the momo joint and smoky puffs. This is our bonding trademark interspersed with conversation about work and other significant things in our lives - his kids and wife. And  random tidbits from my life.

I left office without 'P' today. While I scurried through the market in search of an auto I was already getting a glimpse into my future in which all would figure not in the same way.

I reached home which lots of choco dose hoping that would turn off the descending blues. Of no avail. I restlesslessly walked on my terrace...back and forth...came inside and the next moment I find myself howling. And blank empty canvas yet to find new colors.

A certain breed of men

They leave you with a complete loss of words. And confused if it deserves any reaction at all. I am very sure now. I  am glad we are not together, the fact I was trying to reconcile in destiny, this that and the other finally settles with a simple logic.

Not to mention, I was floored again with the last conversation and his empty words of respect he vowed for me. 

In less than a week he gets married. So he is in town.

Tucked myself comfortably to sleep quite early only to wake up with a 'tring tring' and a vague familiarity with the digits displaying on my screen. And it is 3:00 a.m.

"Hey I was out with my friends and was wondering if you would want to catch up after I leave from here.,"

Even in my groggy state something rang clear in my mind, "Dude what are you thinking, your soon to change life is just 5 days away and you feel things are just the same. Hah!,"

"Hey, how are you?Its too late. See if you could tomorrow," I said with unimaginable ease.

Sometimes people mistake your goodness for your weakness which can fit into their convinience ever. 

One call. And it has ended even a little dreg of the last remains. Ashes. All I can say.

Memory in the ruins of Delhi

Lovely skyline, sunny afternoon, breezy heights and company to complete the perfect afternoon.

Little peak into the history that lies in the backyards of expanding Delhi, peaceful and quiet tucked away into the oblivion with few frequenting the once bastions of power and the silent tomb that lies across the road.

We found a cozy turf on top overlooking the cityscape amid the blowing breeze and competing snarling traffic losing out. It was like traveling back in time but aware of the contrasting space that dots our urbanscape.

Click!Click! captured the time in mind while camera did the same in its visual details.

And there I was struggling to light my ciggy against the force of wind when he just did some odd perfect and it worked. Gave me some logic of science having done that.

He gets strangely fascinated with stray dogs, and there we had the whole puppy parlour, and almost always gets tempted to take them home. 

Time to get back to our maddening civilisation and crazy crowded routine. We were pooped and needed some coffee to awaken the sleepy minds and then back home to writing my blog post.

We are both making memories in our own ways he of the country and me of the company.

The hero never dies

And thank God for that. And thank bollywood that optimism triumphs when cynicism gives a tough fight.

And you dont want good looking heroes to die even on the silver screen, do you?

Delhi 6 revs up emotions and if you belong to female fraternity it makes all go drool and moon over the AB baby..Ooh la la

There half the job done and half the time fancying envy with the one who shared the screen space..I want to be a star too (thats an open secret dream ;) in my teeny weeny heart). Well I will give it to the girl as well..hmmm. By the way Rakeysh happens to be on my FB friends list too. Don't ask how :) but feels cool. hehehhe

And my dear Hanu does some sky antics too in the film. And yes there is a 'kala bandar' too and funnily so fits seamlessly with the film stirring ugly and happy moments. Go watch it to know how.

I am watching it again. No points for guessing why I will. I am single and can wear my heart on my sleeves.

So that said the day was no less filmy. Entered the office which looked deserted due to some shit meeting happening. So there I was waiting for 'some' people (read one gora) to at least show up.

Yes he did and we sat with our coffee in the balcony; he with cool star sunglasses and me with my smoke stick between my fingers of course enjoying the strong sun.

Then a couple of more people trickled in and the lull demanded some action. Least we could do was have some music. By the way the 'gora' has an amazingly good assortment of world music including some shit home grown (bolly bolly). One that stand out ' wada na tod, tu muh na mod' to my utmost shock.

So we were all in a frolicy mood and frappe flowed in to make a perfect after lunch addendum.

This someone wanted to join us for the film, ignore the fact that he can't follow much of hindi, but enjoys our flicks all the same. 

Well he didn't. Is suffering severe blue on the thought of leaving Our Bharat Mahan. India has that effect and you will see it doubling up in Delhi 6. So he did'nt though tickets were bought and hoped he did come. Well he is feeling low and and multiple mysterious emotions.

By the way he has been clicking pictures of the balcony, his work station and of me too though with no obvious intent. He is making memories, I am already living mine. 

Listening to Maula mere maula from Delhi 6 on my stereo. On that note I sign off. 

Mind and multiple mosaic

Long day it was. While I am yet to join the new assignment in less than a week, I am neck deep in work in my current position so weaning away has not happened as they say. That said I am getting sucked into the new job with constant emails seeking inputs this that and the other. 

Peace and focus is divided and diverted. 

I get up with a start in the middle of the night confused whats causing the clutter. I want my peace back. But how?

Present are so deeply woven with the past that we can jot the dotted lines backwards  but not so much with the future unknown and unclear but yes will connect in continuum.

Little green balcony that we have in office is a little haven overlooking a green canopy of lush tress where we sit with our smoke, coffee and lunches. Balcony is a metaphor for the collective and the personal and both equally comfortable in its co- existence. This is where the day starts and includes the quick stand-up meeting and where the day ends with a round up which is incomplete without a shared puff.

Something that has become an integral part of me. I will miss this space.

A colleague and a teammate, someone I started with on a very tempestuous note, not very comfortable and a lot more edgy.

I am surprised at how that has evolved over the time gone by. A deep friendship that will stay.

Someone who is driven by immense passion for life, his wife and two adorable kids. Someone who will be a friend forever.

I will miss you and the work energy that we share.

How can I not mention the bunch of women of all age range from 50 odd years to 20 somethings which makes me the youngest and hence most pampered in all quarters including the men at work;). Mornings are incomplete without a quick debrief of the evening before, randon banter silly jokes and assortment of fruits that kick starts the day. We get through the flurry of activities in mere five minutes. 

I will miss the quick hellos that I drop to everyone on my way up to my desk. 

I am making memories at work, I never realised. I will allow it to sink in.

An ode to love

Having grown up on classic English fiction and love of yore. And of course the legendary Mills and Boons, I am a die hard romantic at heart. 

Legendary Knight in the shining armour emerges and sweeps the damsel off the floor. The mush rules and love conquers. Perfect. And live happily ever after. That is the cosmic cliche' connection.

The prince charming who kisses the enchanted sleeping beauty and she comes out of the spell and ever after follows.

From as long as I can remember we are taught to dream a perfect dream and learn we do to believe in them.

Then one fine day reality dawns and grossly detached from our innate understanding of what and how it ought to be. 

But love as they say, does exist. Happily ever after may not.

Love happens once, they say. You fall in love more than once,  I say. 

Dream never dies and hope remains alive. On that note, an ode to love.

Cheers!

Letter to the most loved

Dear 'S'

To start with I have moved on. But have I really?

You still remain the one I loved most intensely and honestly. I still remember January 11 when you said "What if 'we' get married?" My reponse may have been not so conencted with the question but yes deep down it was the happiest moment of my life.

You left to take up a job in another city and over the months that followed our relationship traveled more 'downs' with your emerging doubts and more 'ups' with my gut to hold on and make things work. Time for me froze in those words you spoke and my dreams started weaving you and me together happily ever after.

I was willing to put all at stake all that I held on with my life - myself and all that made 'me'. Even started looking for options to move to the city with you. But apparently all of it was not enough to move you.

For the first time ever, I was willing and ready to give you the reins of my life. I let go of the guards that defined me. All my armours fell. Yes you made me feel like a woman. 

The 'boyish charm' of you swept me off my feet and staccato moments started becoming linear memories.

Your playing guitar on the phone sometimes your eagerness to sing your favorite numbers and also some on demand for hours together made my heart go out to you. Yes I was willing to nurture that child in you and more.

The first time we met did not seem like the first at all. There was something that decided the pace something I could not decipher.

Imagined you as the man in my life and it brought alive the dream and desire to have you around all my life as mine.

You were not here but you presence was vividly etched in all of me and my life. I was weaving a dream.

It was a beautiful dream only if you were dreaming the same with me we would have made it a living reality.

I am happy for you and your new life with another someone. 

Love you still the same. Love doesn't change but gets buried and rusts with time when sudden flashes turn it green and alive in the dream unlived.

Love always.

Yours

Here and Now

Without a story of the past, who are you in the timeless present? Without a projection of an imagined future, who are you now?

What are you waiting for?

Frozen memories come calling

The raw emotions, as they are, weave the true feelings, as they say.

Tired leafing through some pages, I closed my eyes. My silent phone beeped, "As the day is coming closer I am getting nervous and don't know what to do or who to go to :(. Am scared to death"

Astounded.It took me a while to register who it was. As I do, closures for me means erasing all forms of links established including the number as the first step in the least.

But memory recalled anon as my ex's number who is 'tying the knot' this month. Hence "scared to death."

I have moved on but harbour no bitterness or hate at a human level.I respond of course with some words hoping would ease him. 

"Want to talk", flashed another on my screen.

He called pronto. For someone who rarely expresses I knew he really needed a friend to talk. We spoke and I tried giving him a little of what I understand of marriage, of companionship, that he should welcome the  significant other with openness, without dread of what it will be.

He wants me to come for his wedding which coincides with my work trip out of India. Well timed.Hmm.Then he requested if I could come for a little ceremony a day before the wedding. "It would mean a lot to me. Please come."

Ends with "You are special and will always be. Someone I respect as none else. If I could show it would be nothing less than kissing your feet." (I felt a little odd hearing this last line. Blame it on his happy state.)

I am blank really. Some flashes from past come alive like an album of memories, as snapshots -no longer a part of my present, but a thing of the past. 

Frozen moments come alive and freeze again. Yes I have moved on.

Freedom like it never was

Are we all running away? 

After a quiet day to myself cleaning, cooking, reading, surfing, music being a constant company, I had no plans to go out. My phone rang, it was my regular coffee companion and friend on the other end.

I agreed and went out to our usual haunt - Barista. Interesting bunch of people around and one significant loud woman with her mom and another guy with his - apprently prospective partnership at its initial first step - may be would lead somewhere.

Taking cue from the table next, we drifted to discussing what we would want in our prospective partners. I have had my share of experience and he just out of his  engagement. Freedom as I experience is premised on things falling in line on its own and freedom for my friend emanates from his set of wants.

Being circumspect is also an escapade. Whether it is allowing the universe to conspire to make it happen or running away from what you have in the name of freedom. While these thoughts made waves inside, we both had a wishlist of what we want. 

Coffee, conversation and company made for an evening of little achievement but not without our book browsing, new arrivals and philosophy section.

Every commoner's life is a plot for a novel and that gives me hopes to pen down mine too :)

A someone from IIT, IIM, JNU weaving their own getting as close to your life or mine. 

I pick up a couple for weekend read spilling over to weekend next.

As I find a comfortable perch with black coffee and gear for my nicotine my phone shouts a call from another friend in town for a conference leaving early tomorrow morning. 

Another one wearing his freedom on the sleeve and happy to announce his single status. Seemed quite haapy for someone who is out of  relationship. What matters is the personal happiness. But why do we not get enough of that when we are with our significant best? What kills it that we begin to celebrate the freedom like never before?

Saint Valentine and I

Voila..with all the hype about the Valentine day, I seem to be enjoying some quiet, peace and content.

Strange but true never had any buzz around the day by misleading and second hand default. Though I have had my share of love, lover and so on but valentine day was never a cause celebre'. Either things had fallen off the hook or been with non believers who felt "why mark a day with tokenisms". hmmm deep to shallow both kinds I have met and seen.

But through all this one thing has remained the same since I can reacall. On every Valentine's day I express my sincere and unflinching love for myself - have bought flowers, music or indulged myself with something that gave me pleasure. 

After all I have kept the love and promises to myself alive. And trust me that's a thrill of another kind.

Yes I am looking forward to the day and waiting to pamper myself. A bottle of wine. Ummm Cheers! 

Of the evening and events

I had gone for a meeting  with my colleague to explore an exhibition space. We were ushered through a range of rooms with nondescript plates on each door saying who's who.

The walk through the driveway was quite interesting. Interseting looks on 'men's ' faces too eager to talk from the guard to guide to the member secy promising space.

I headed towards the photos on display and my 'male' colleugue said he will come along and 'not leave me alone' at least when it came to uncouth surroundings of the 'government' offices.

That insinuation got me curious and he explained jokingly 'men here have not found time enough to civilize themselves.'

And I could see a clear difference between the ones that fall in my circle of acquaintaines, friends, ex, lover category. Or is it that they have been 'civilized' enough to camouflage the crass?

We walked back to the car and switched on the radio.

And  there Ginnie goes on Meow discussing whether men cheat on women more and why?

And one male caller went on record to say "90% of men" cannot be trusted and that it is the thrill in doing it that justifies all so not done things. Could he be more candid...NAH!

My colleague in question is the most sensible I have ever met. So after the meeting was over we went to Max Mueller and order our most favorate chicken macroni and ice tea..ummmm (you must try if you haven't yet)

We sat there watching a tiny bird, taking calls, eating, drinking smoking, talking of work and other stuff. We got up to leave and walked our way out reading 'au revoir' and 'shalom' and adios and BLIMEY!!!!!!!!the car went missing from the spot he had parked it.

We both laughed and got informed that the car was towed away. Taking an auto we reached a hovel where all such cars find a perch. PHEW! relieved to find the one towed away!

Hit the road again but not before paying three green notes!

Quite an evening!

Choco mania

Ummmm...suddenly a craving for choco.. chocolate on my way home. I stopped by the nearest barista and indulged in chocolate excess with melting cho sauce on it (asked for extra flow there).

If that was not enough bought brownies as a means of lighter delight.

Nah..it doesnt seem enough..here goes more - a dairy milk that finally satiated the insatiable.

And while I sat browsing the health news section of BBC here is what it said and yes scientifically proven 

Melting chocolate is better than a passionate kiss, scientists have found. Follow the link to read more: 

Chocolate 'better than kissing'

The day that was

The weekend is getting over as the day wears on. A day is never without events as it is. At times it is the happenings around you and at the other it is the churnings inside. Both qualify to be the subject of events.

And yes by the logic of above lots has happened.

Friday was the day of speaking, shouting out my heart through the technocraft and text message. Sorted. 'Friendship triumphs'. 

While I write this a colleague just pointed to the article in today's ToI supplement written by a dear friend's mother, a friend who died in a  car crash in June last year.

He definetly was more than a friend but cannot define what it was that bound me to him.

As I continued to read the article something within me travels back to the days of knowing him. He was a journalist and a poet with fierce zeal for life. I did not even realise how smoothly he and his daughter became a part of my life. A borrowed life in default. 

Oxford bookstore, mandi house, dargah of nizamuddin, music concerts few places which contiune to haunt me and as it has happened they have ceased to be a part of my life and so has he.

A sufi enthusiast and his love for sitar which were a regular do at all the gathering in his lovely, warm home. His company was infectious and zeal contagious. A poet who would always want an avid admirer in me to accompany to the Delhi Poetree Club.

Now that I look back, I realise how ruthlessly I severed all that was 'us' with a sudden realisation that was nothing short of treading the rough path as the attachment grew. 

Afterall a borrowed life it was. But life happens to us in strange ways we fail to decipher when it is passing us by and it is only in afterthought that it dwells.

It was a friend and his colleague who broke the news of his accident to me. I was sleeping when the phone beeped and I was jolted with utter disbelief. 

I had not been in his contact for half a year before the news was brought to me. It was beyond any redemption now, I had been cruel to dismiss his calls and text messages and requests to meet not to realise that the moment would never come back. But as they say knowledge is fleeting and eludes you in most desperate times. 

He is gone. No longer a part of many lives he touched with affection, zeal, love and much more.

Someone who made me feel special. 

Third person: stories of collapse and crumbling dreams

So far it has all been about me. This one concerns lives of those around who matter to me. What has unfolded leaves me upset and unsettled. There is not much I can do though except pray they find their happiness and love restored.

First of these concern my two very good friends who have been together for a while now. And yes I had a teeny weeny role in bringing them together. They survived their living in the same city, then long distance and few months of living together and back to long distance when the guy moved down south and the other flew to Nepal. The guy much too willing to make it work while the other wore the robe of rigidity and never allowed her softer side to emerge (my sense having talked to both). The guy seemed sure to call it off feeling he had absolutely no influence or role to play in her life and there the relationship froze.

Second concerns someone I met while working in the organisation I do executing a project together and yes it has sustained all these years and shall. His life revolved around someone for good eight years surviving downs and ups. Now he is ready to take the plunge but the one who he wants it with has stepped back cowering under family pressure. And every vague word from the girl becomes hope personified for him. He somewhere knows the fact but is holding on the dreams he has been living and hoping would become real. 

Third is someone I have know for a long long time. A very good friend indeed. His news he broke over coffee that they have called off their official engagement. 

The last concerns the 'object of my affection'. He has been in love with someone for theree years including a year and half of his stay in India and of his love interest seeing someone else for the same period. However, the man in question loves too much holds on to hope and says "will see".

Though all of above concerns specific individuals I am sure it interprets all our lives in some way or the other. What keeps the hope alive or what dims the dreams is all a making of the mind.

Those who have it wish it away with their undoing and those who dont equally undo their possibilities by constructing walls to protect themselves. 

Why can it not be an idyllic world where honest efforts and emotions pay off in personal relationships?