Letter from a friend - connecting lives on a singular plane

hey there,

sorry for not calling back last night, had ppl over,,. and spent the entire day today being a book worm. there is so much to give as an update, at the same time there seems to be nothing at all. feel like writing in to you. have a feeling that there is a similar energy floating in your life too.. cld be mistaken.

as far as events go here is a quick update. Got a lovely new house. the job is having some financial woes, a number of close friends have exited the city in various stages over the past month, from socially packed days, the wheels of time are now itching by slowly, and in the middle of all this is me.

Came back from a short trip to UK, with a desire to get out of india next year... a yearnig, driven more i think because there is no strong left in Bangalore that keeps me going, and there is a lot of travelling to do there. Yet the inner me knows that the hollowness that i feel now has nothing to do with the city i choose to live in.

and the paradox is, being the self aware people that we are I also know that no man, marriage, location can make this "fulfillment" come. yet there is such a high desire to flop over like a very tired dog in the delhi heat, and wait mournfully for someone to do something.

No real man has come. a few old friends popped here n there. The ex bf/live in partner still made a strong case to want to marry; spent diwali with him, yet the relationship has changed its shape for me and i cant "feel" anything arnd him anymore.

Sorry. as i type this i sound like a mini sucidal case. It is not true. Am ok really. there are happy days and some quiet ones. but the overall sense is one of calm anticipation, like the stormy silence before a mob decided what to do.............how are things with u.. see a lot of angst in the status messages and the frenzy of work as well.. the getting so much to come to life at work and the life at home must be a battle u face..

r u in touch with somesh? does the karmic connect get re called now n then.... hope the mail did not come as too much of a vomit session.. was not the intention. ....... would love to know where u are, does this sudden silence, this feeling old yet young, so much to do, yet the feeling of needing someone to be there, disappearance of old ties, anticipation of new? is this me just with too much brain space or universal..............

await ur reply...
warm hug

n

And I did respond by a phone call and marvelled at the cosmic connection. I passed on this mail to my other best friend who said "Hey there is so much of us in the mail," and gushed how she has found her motivation back.

Three people find connection in reflection of life and love and all that defines it.

On bended knee is no way to be free - Eddie Vedder

On bended knee is no way to be free
Lifting up an empty cup, I ask silently
All my destinations will accept the one that's me
So I can breathe...

Circles they grow and they swallow people whole
Half their lives they say goodnight to wives they'll never know
A mind full of questions, and a teacher in my soul
And so it goes...

Don't come closer or I'll have to go
Holding me like gravity are places that pull
If ever there was someone to keep me at home
It would be you...

Everyone I come across, in cages they bought
They think of me and my wandering, but I'm never what they thought
I've got my indignation, but I'm pure in all my thoughts
I'm alive...

Wind in my hair, I feel part of everywhere
Underneath my being is a road that disappeared
Late at night I hear the trees, they're singing with the dead
Overhead...

Leave it to me as I find a way to be
Consider me a satellite, forever orbiting
I knew all the rules, but the rules did not know me

Removed and content

Well it is a nice feeling and strange at the same time. I am in Calcutta and I am oblivious of all the clutter that throng on me in Delhi.
It is like removed from the scene of action and you cannot be bothered.
There is a calmness and stillness within which has suddenly stepped out to see the clutter passing by and yes to it's utmost relief.
The emotional clutter that was talking over my head is now taking a leisured walk.
Woohooo! I am getting back to control and loving it.
And I have decoded a solution or so I think.
I don't want anyone to spoil this clutter even though the temptation of my heart may leap over.
I need to keep the sanity intact and let that rule.
Choices I have had in Love:
1. Cried my way to the doom
2. Desitiny led to the doom
3. NOW I have so far been laughing my way to the same doom
Don't get me wrong here. i am not blaming any of the above. Choice at the end of it was mine. At least I know what I ought to be doing.
And that is I am not letting anyone upset my inner equilibrium.
Let the other sort out their own mind and be around on my condition. As I mentioned i my earlier post my strength becomes my dooming grave. Yes I am strong enough to tackle my emotional vagaries. Cry out loud and let it out and bounce back on my feet.
But I am not going to let anyone to use it as a dumping bag. My own life situation is already enough to deal with, I don't want more.
I have got my answers. I am removed and content.

Stillness but it still moves

The stillness within is like a lull before a torrid tumult.
I am in a time trap that knows no rescue. I cajole, convince myself, it listens but starts behaving like a spoilt child again.
It fancies something and wants it no matter what.
While stillness steels me..something within continues to move in a timeless span..motions of theb heart I mean.
Past makes a dramatic comeback and catches me offguards. While I had resigned to the reality, it confronts me bang bang and leaves me to deal. No big deal. I am used to this, am I not? I am a woman of today who knows that she knows. But the vulnerable in me recieves no love like a step child as it were.
Well being strong or percieved as one is like digging your own grave. You take upon yourself not just your own burden but in an attempt to make it easy for the other you go wham!!
Well this time while past is knocking at my door hard, present is no simplified theory.
Like they say from bad to worse. Present knocks me off with its own intricacies.
I was talking to this friend in Nepal about love.
The fact that both of us at different points declined what we recall as the love we did not recognise.
"Praggie I have this feeling that love will find us at 60,"
We still gush over the godforsaken love.
Though still but iy moves and it will.

Why am I resigned to singlehood

Life seems content on all fronts, but sometimes a lurking question sets me wondering.
Why am I single?
Am I committment phobic? What type?
A rushed glimpse into my past relationships makes me reflect.
I have repeatedly formed alliances with men (unconsciously) with those who were emotionally unavailable, or men who were not good enough for me (so my friends would tell and I would turn a deaf ear to it) or worse still who I knew were fully into me.
All in all a doomed story from the very start.
And when it would officially end, I would resign myself to fate and cry my heart out. For isn't crying over loss normal?
Well, yes, or trying to behave normal (subconsciously). At least I have imbibed some from the collective normal ethos.
On the same note, now that I think, I have always run away from men who bring along security, lasting love and stability as they all want.
What is it that I want?

Dil-e-nadan na samajh paye
To mera kya kasoor
Teri justhu mein
Har waqt rehta hai maghroor

Dil ko ya armaan tha,
Jo kal tha woh aaj bhi moujood hota
Wo khayal, woh ehsaas
Kareeb mere wajood hota

Mind and multiple mosaic

Long day it was. While I am yet to join the new assignment in less than a week, I am neck deep in work in my current position so weaning away has not happened as they say. That said I am getting sucked into the new job with constant emails seeking inputs this that and the other. 

Peace and focus is divided and diverted. 

I get up with a start in the middle of the night confused whats causing the clutter. I want my peace back. But how?

Present are so deeply woven with the past that we can jot the dotted lines backwards  but not so much with the future unknown and unclear but yes will connect in continuum.

Little green balcony that we have in office is a little haven overlooking a green canopy of lush tress where we sit with our smoke, coffee and lunches. Balcony is a metaphor for the collective and the personal and both equally comfortable in its co- existence. This is where the day starts and includes the quick stand-up meeting and where the day ends with a round up which is incomplete without a shared puff.

Something that has become an integral part of me. I will miss this space.

A colleague and a teammate, someone I started with on a very tempestuous note, not very comfortable and a lot more edgy.

I am surprised at how that has evolved over the time gone by. A deep friendship that will stay.

Someone who is driven by immense passion for life, his wife and two adorable kids. Someone who will be a friend forever.

I will miss you and the work energy that we share.

How can I not mention the bunch of women of all age range from 50 odd years to 20 somethings which makes me the youngest and hence most pampered in all quarters including the men at work;). Mornings are incomplete without a quick debrief of the evening before, randon banter silly jokes and assortment of fruits that kick starts the day. We get through the flurry of activities in mere five minutes. 

I will miss the quick hellos that I drop to everyone on my way up to my desk. 

I am making memories at work, I never realised. I will allow it to sink in.

Letter to the most loved

Dear 'S'

To start with I have moved on. But have I really?

You still remain the one I loved most intensely and honestly. I still remember January 11 when you said "What if 'we' get married?" My reponse may have been not so conencted with the question but yes deep down it was the happiest moment of my life.

You left to take up a job in another city and over the months that followed our relationship traveled more 'downs' with your emerging doubts and more 'ups' with my gut to hold on and make things work. Time for me froze in those words you spoke and my dreams started weaving you and me together happily ever after.

I was willing to put all at stake all that I held on with my life - myself and all that made 'me'. Even started looking for options to move to the city with you. But apparently all of it was not enough to move you.

For the first time ever, I was willing and ready to give you the reins of my life. I let go of the guards that defined me. All my armours fell. Yes you made me feel like a woman. 

The 'boyish charm' of you swept me off my feet and staccato moments started becoming linear memories.

Your playing guitar on the phone sometimes your eagerness to sing your favorite numbers and also some on demand for hours together made my heart go out to you. Yes I was willing to nurture that child in you and more.

The first time we met did not seem like the first at all. There was something that decided the pace something I could not decipher.

Imagined you as the man in my life and it brought alive the dream and desire to have you around all my life as mine.

You were not here but you presence was vividly etched in all of me and my life. I was weaving a dream.

It was a beautiful dream only if you were dreaming the same with me we would have made it a living reality.

I am happy for you and your new life with another someone. 

Love you still the same. Love doesn't change but gets buried and rusts with time when sudden flashes turn it green and alive in the dream unlived.

Love always.

Yours

Frozen memories come calling

The raw emotions, as they are, weave the true feelings, as they say.

Tired leafing through some pages, I closed my eyes. My silent phone beeped, "As the day is coming closer I am getting nervous and don't know what to do or who to go to :(. Am scared to death"

Astounded.It took me a while to register who it was. As I do, closures for me means erasing all forms of links established including the number as the first step in the least.

But memory recalled anon as my ex's number who is 'tying the knot' this month. Hence "scared to death."

I have moved on but harbour no bitterness or hate at a human level.I respond of course with some words hoping would ease him. 

"Want to talk", flashed another on my screen.

He called pronto. For someone who rarely expresses I knew he really needed a friend to talk. We spoke and I tried giving him a little of what I understand of marriage, of companionship, that he should welcome the  significant other with openness, without dread of what it will be.

He wants me to come for his wedding which coincides with my work trip out of India. Well timed.Hmm.Then he requested if I could come for a little ceremony a day before the wedding. "It would mean a lot to me. Please come."

Ends with "You are special and will always be. Someone I respect as none else. If I could show it would be nothing less than kissing your feet." (I felt a little odd hearing this last line. Blame it on his happy state.)

I am blank really. Some flashes from past come alive like an album of memories, as snapshots -no longer a part of my present, but a thing of the past. 

Frozen moments come alive and freeze again. Yes I have moved on.

Freedom like it never was

Are we all running away? 

After a quiet day to myself cleaning, cooking, reading, surfing, music being a constant company, I had no plans to go out. My phone rang, it was my regular coffee companion and friend on the other end.

I agreed and went out to our usual haunt - Barista. Interesting bunch of people around and one significant loud woman with her mom and another guy with his - apprently prospective partnership at its initial first step - may be would lead somewhere.

Taking cue from the table next, we drifted to discussing what we would want in our prospective partners. I have had my share of experience and he just out of his  engagement. Freedom as I experience is premised on things falling in line on its own and freedom for my friend emanates from his set of wants.

Being circumspect is also an escapade. Whether it is allowing the universe to conspire to make it happen or running away from what you have in the name of freedom. While these thoughts made waves inside, we both had a wishlist of what we want. 

Coffee, conversation and company made for an evening of little achievement but not without our book browsing, new arrivals and philosophy section.

Every commoner's life is a plot for a novel and that gives me hopes to pen down mine too :)

A someone from IIT, IIM, JNU weaving their own getting as close to your life or mine. 

I pick up a couple for weekend read spilling over to weekend next.

As I find a comfortable perch with black coffee and gear for my nicotine my phone shouts a call from another friend in town for a conference leaving early tomorrow morning. 

Another one wearing his freedom on the sleeve and happy to announce his single status. Seemed quite haapy for someone who is out of  relationship. What matters is the personal happiness. But why do we not get enough of that when we are with our significant best? What kills it that we begin to celebrate the freedom like never before?