Delhi, they say is a city of dreams. Is it?

I arrived in Delhi 11 years back for my higher studies and stayed on. The city has given me all from education to opportunity - it has all been a smooth sail.

A landscape of dreams indeed, on its way to being a world class city ahead of commonwealth games.

Government raised over Rs.52 billion for the 2010 Commonwealth Games as well as provision of land for stadiums and other constructions, Rs.105.71 billion for the first phase of the Delhi Metro and over Rs.10 billion for the high capacity bus corridor.

Delhi is iconic of a shining India and a thriving middle class with its shopping arcades, malls and glitzy cars doing the rounds. Add to the list the rich and mighty, the movers and shakers. Can it get fancier than this?

Now contrast this with almost 20 % Delhi’s population living in slums - the second highest slum population in India. The living conditions are worse than we can imagine without basic health and hygiene facilities. Sewage flows freely on the streets outside Sanjay Colony, one of several colonies in northwest Delhi at the edge of a large dumping ground for much of the city’s garbage which we visited. Clean drinking water is a very precious commodity. Space crunch forces even a family of five and more to share a one room accommodation and cook outside in the open with drains without cover.

It is this paradox of existence that confounds me without any plausible answer.

The national capital ‘boasts’ of doubling infant mortality in the last three years. It’s a shocking revelation on scratching the shiny surface.

They don’t have access to even basic health facilities and those that are available are far off and expensive. In effect an estimated 83 % of the urban poor mothers give birth in their homes and without skilled attendants. Women and children stand to suffer the most.

Government blames it on teeming migrating population that infest the cities.

Why do they come to the cities in the first place?

They too like many of us come in search of their dreams of better future. Agriculture is no longer a viable livelihood option for many. They land up in the city working as daily wage labour or picking up some odd jobs to eke out a living. Only that they lag far behind in keeping pace with competing dreams of those above. In this race of inequality a poor man’s dream obviously comes crashing.

Where does this reality fit in my life which is far removed from the one I saw? I guess I knew.

I felt connected to their dreams, those smiling faces of children that greeted when we entered the narrow alleyways of the colony. I felt connected to my consciousness.

I came back with a greater sense of responsibility and resolve to do the best I can to make a difference.

Looking at the urgent needs of the community, Save the Children India is providing comprehensive medical care through mobile health clinic catering especially to the needs of women and children living in the slums of northwest Delhi.

We have taken the first step. Much more needs to be done. Together we can.

Where is your heart, Kunal?

“I was appalled when I learnt that 2 million children die every year in India before they are five – that is 1 child every 15 seconds. While I am thinking about which next restaurant to go to or which clothes to buy, there are so many millions who are crying for help. I don’t have any technical knowhow but I know I want to make a difference. I am not here with my head, I am here with my heart willing to do my bit,” said Kunal at the Delhi launch. Audience cheered on and EVERY ONE moved to the wall to sign up their support for the campaign in the end.

While Kunal may have his heart in the right place, he had many hearts skip beats from the moment he landed in Delhi.

The morning of October 8^th was an utter frenzy. The campaign team including our lovely interns were to leave early for the venue which was the lawn of India Habitat Centre to oversee that event guys were doing their job well and followed our brief to the T.

“Make sure the layout is not over the top. We want a classy and elegant set up,” was the brief to the event company when we first met.

While I was supposed to be leaving with the team, but we had a popular radio channel RadioMirchi interested in interviewing our celeb heartthrob. So now I had to go pick Kunal from the airport and take him to the studio. (I am sure many of you may know Kunal set India and Bangladesh fighting over himJ)

There was a whole joke in the office about me just a text away from Kunal. Fun stuff! But when you are dealing with celebs for work you have to ignore your heart, never mind a good looker like KunalJ I have learnt this in my little stint at celeb management for another charity even earlier. Treat them as equal, give them the deserving respect and keep it business.

So I reached the airport in time to pick our star power for the evening. I was pacing with impatience.

My phone wouldn’t stop ringing – event guys, team members, venue coordination etc etc.

An hour and a half after the scheduled time the man arrives. I requested him to come to the radio station straight. He complied.

“I am sorry, you had to wait for so long but my flight was delayed,” he said with a winsome smile.

While we stood there talking, there were hushed whispers from many quarters – some came up to him for autograph, some came and literally forced their mobile camera phones in my hands to get their pictures.

Phew!!! How do celebrities manage this constant glare? I wondered aloud. “It’s just a job for us too, Pragya,” he answered.

The staff at Radio station were all set with a welcome bouquet, girls all huddled at the reception, office boys just hanging about to catch a celeb from the close quarters. Cameras went click! click! click! endlessly.

Time to go on air. Kunal knew his lines well – about Save the Children – ending with ‘log on to www.every-one.in to support the campaign.’

Well done Kunal!!!

As we go down, there is another rioting bunch ready with pens and papers for his autograph. He complied with smile.

My phone started ringing again as we sat in the car. Some crisis. It stopped. Rang again. And that continued.

While I was dealing with issues, He was snoozing and ummmm snoring too J

Leaving him at the hotel with the car, I rushed in a taxi to the venue to sort out stuff.

Wow! I was impressed with the set up. It just looked fantastic, just the way I thought it should be.

I spotted Raghu in the exhibition area and rushed to greet him and thank him profusely for the lovely pictures – the highlight of the evening along with the actor.

Awesome start to the campaign. EVERY ONE’s heart is in the right place. The effort behind the launch paid off. It’s just the beginning. We will keep at it till we ensure that every child has a future to look forward to. We make a resolve.

(When I am very happy, my eyes well up) Thanks team.

Behind the scene

A month of launches – in Bomaby and Delhi and Calcutta joined in last week. Action packed and thrill filled.

From celeb soiree to community voices, they made for the best launch experience.

Bombay here we come with EVERY ONE.

We were all set – venue set, mothers from the communities arrived, we needed our celeb supporter to turn up now to complete the checklist.

It was pouring with rain on 5^th October in Bombay which seemed to dampen the spirits a bit – only a bit though.

The young and famous actress and former Miss World Priyanka Chopra was the bait to the media who feeds on Bollywood and buzz around them.

She had agreed…ummm…well could not make it. Those of us who have managed events know it’s all about risk management and last minute glitches. But not all lost. We had a video message from her to play at the launch.

We had to make this a success nontheless. So I zoomed the car to pick up Shabana Azmi, noted actress and social activist supporting EVERY ONE campaign.

Thank God for the new Mumbai sea link connecting two far ends. It was a real blessing in the daunting rain and worsening traffic. For a moment I distracted myself to grey sea view and regained my composure.

(About Mumbai sea link: Took10 years to make instaed of estimated 4 years and cost triple the estimated amount –f ew thousand crores- and you have pay 70 Rs to cross the sea link. It still is the pride of Mumbai.)

I reached in time. Shabana had returned from Hyderabad just a while ago.

“Pragya, why don’t you join us for lunch? I will be just 10 minutes to change and ready to leave,” said Shabana.

Food was obviously the last thing on my mind. I politely declined and asked for a glass of water.

We were escorted to the car with umbrella. It seemed like a cloud burst, rain just wouldn’t stop

Back to business. I started briefing Shabana about the campaign and the issue. She seemed very well clued in to the issue so that did half the work. I recapped few pointers as our car drew close to the venue.

Mothers from the communities were eagerly waiting for interaction with a ‘film star’ after a session with Dr Manisha, Save the Children’s own health expert.

After leaving her with the group and staff, I rush upstairs to check if our media friends had arrived. Very few by then. Some called to check if we were still going ahead with our launch. Some were stuck in traffic and rain. As they say ‘The show must go on’.

So finally our media friends started trickling in to make a comfortable count.

We were ready to launch. Shabana came on stage and made quite an impact. EVERY ONE echoed along, “Enough is Enough.”

Indeed. It’s a shame for India to let its children die while boasting of 9% GDP growth. While 2 million children dying may be mere statistic for some, it is a personal tragedy for families who lose their child.

India! it’s a wakeup call to save your children.

Letter from a friend - connecting lives on a singular plane

hey there,

sorry for not calling back last night, had ppl over,,. and spent the entire day today being a book worm. there is so much to give as an update, at the same time there seems to be nothing at all. feel like writing in to you. have a feeling that there is a similar energy floating in your life too.. cld be mistaken.

as far as events go here is a quick update. Got a lovely new house. the job is having some financial woes, a number of close friends have exited the city in various stages over the past month, from socially packed days, the wheels of time are now itching by slowly, and in the middle of all this is me.

Came back from a short trip to UK, with a desire to get out of india next year... a yearnig, driven more i think because there is no strong left in Bangalore that keeps me going, and there is a lot of travelling to do there. Yet the inner me knows that the hollowness that i feel now has nothing to do with the city i choose to live in.

and the paradox is, being the self aware people that we are I also know that no man, marriage, location can make this "fulfillment" come. yet there is such a high desire to flop over like a very tired dog in the delhi heat, and wait mournfully for someone to do something.

No real man has come. a few old friends popped here n there. The ex bf/live in partner still made a strong case to want to marry; spent diwali with him, yet the relationship has changed its shape for me and i cant "feel" anything arnd him anymore.

Sorry. as i type this i sound like a mini sucidal case. It is not true. Am ok really. there are happy days and some quiet ones. but the overall sense is one of calm anticipation, like the stormy silence before a mob decided what to do.............how are things with u.. see a lot of angst in the status messages and the frenzy of work as well.. the getting so much to come to life at work and the life at home must be a battle u face..

r u in touch with somesh? does the karmic connect get re called now n then.... hope the mail did not come as too much of a vomit session.. was not the intention. ....... would love to know where u are, does this sudden silence, this feeling old yet young, so much to do, yet the feeling of needing someone to be there, disappearance of old ties, anticipation of new? is this me just with too much brain space or universal..............

await ur reply...
warm hug

n

And I did respond by a phone call and marvelled at the cosmic connection. I passed on this mail to my other best friend who said "Hey there is so much of us in the mail," and gushed how she has found her motivation back.

Three people find connection in reflection of life and love and all that defines it.

On bended knee is no way to be free - Eddie Vedder

On bended knee is no way to be free
Lifting up an empty cup, I ask silently
All my destinations will accept the one that's me
So I can breathe...

Circles they grow and they swallow people whole
Half their lives they say goodnight to wives they'll never know
A mind full of questions, and a teacher in my soul
And so it goes...

Don't come closer or I'll have to go
Holding me like gravity are places that pull
If ever there was someone to keep me at home
It would be you...

Everyone I come across, in cages they bought
They think of me and my wandering, but I'm never what they thought
I've got my indignation, but I'm pure in all my thoughts
I'm alive...

Wind in my hair, I feel part of everywhere
Underneath my being is a road that disappeared
Late at night I hear the trees, they're singing with the dead
Overhead...

Leave it to me as I find a way to be
Consider me a satellite, forever orbiting
I knew all the rules, but the rules did not know me

Removed and content

Well it is a nice feeling and strange at the same time. I am in Calcutta and I am oblivious of all the clutter that throng on me in Delhi.
It is like removed from the scene of action and you cannot be bothered.
There is a calmness and stillness within which has suddenly stepped out to see the clutter passing by and yes to it's utmost relief.
The emotional clutter that was talking over my head is now taking a leisured walk.
Woohooo! I am getting back to control and loving it.
And I have decoded a solution or so I think.
I don't want anyone to spoil this clutter even though the temptation of my heart may leap over.
I need to keep the sanity intact and let that rule.
Choices I have had in Love:
1. Cried my way to the doom
2. Desitiny led to the doom
3. NOW I have so far been laughing my way to the same doom
Don't get me wrong here. i am not blaming any of the above. Choice at the end of it was mine. At least I know what I ought to be doing.
And that is I am not letting anyone upset my inner equilibrium.
Let the other sort out their own mind and be around on my condition. As I mentioned i my earlier post my strength becomes my dooming grave. Yes I am strong enough to tackle my emotional vagaries. Cry out loud and let it out and bounce back on my feet.
But I am not going to let anyone to use it as a dumping bag. My own life situation is already enough to deal with, I don't want more.
I have got my answers. I am removed and content.

Stillness but it still moves

The stillness within is like a lull before a torrid tumult.
I am in a time trap that knows no rescue. I cajole, convince myself, it listens but starts behaving like a spoilt child again.
It fancies something and wants it no matter what.
While stillness steels me..something within continues to move in a timeless span..motions of theb heart I mean.
Past makes a dramatic comeback and catches me offguards. While I had resigned to the reality, it confronts me bang bang and leaves me to deal. No big deal. I am used to this, am I not? I am a woman of today who knows that she knows. But the vulnerable in me recieves no love like a step child as it were.
Well being strong or percieved as one is like digging your own grave. You take upon yourself not just your own burden but in an attempt to make it easy for the other you go wham!!
Well this time while past is knocking at my door hard, present is no simplified theory.
Like they say from bad to worse. Present knocks me off with its own intricacies.
I was talking to this friend in Nepal about love.
The fact that both of us at different points declined what we recall as the love we did not recognise.
"Praggie I have this feeling that love will find us at 60,"
We still gush over the godforsaken love.
Though still but iy moves and it will.

life's adrift

Branching out
Life finds a root
Laeves are falling off
To augur the autumn
Yes Autumn it is

Life's adrift
Trying to find it's root
In the sunshine and grow lush

Grey seems hounding
And haunting
I need freshness of the spring

Momos, tea and walk

Fun filled. No strings there. Carefree and casual yet inexplicable thrill..An ease that only long lasting knowing bring along. There is a 'known unknown'. But no cares.

Momos at the busy evening stall, and walk along for another tea stop to random walk and cheers. Normal yet special.

Everyday seems special in a certain way :-)

Alive anew

It's beautiful
Colours come alive
Insanity, sanity
An endless debate

It's the little cheer
In the mundane zingsaw
Which fixes right
Across and downs

Withering willows
Comes abloom
In the autumn
Negating the rules of the game

Branching out
A world anew
Starting afresh
Like the morning dew

Beckons me yonder
A world unknown
A dreamy maze
A am walking in my sleep
To wake to the dream come alive

Feels like love yet again

I thought I had lost it somewhere. But my heart is potentially alive, it beats and skips a beat too.
The romantic rush feels no more sane but yes it does seem to give me a drive.
Should I say, it's just been two weeks and it's growing like how.
If everything goes well we might turn into neighbours.
Well let me explain, I have been struggling with being potentially homeless and looking for a house frantically.
Found a dream house - a red brick duplex with an awesome terrace overlooking the seamless jungle..ah I am still reveling in that fleeting dreamlike state..
There is an urgency to move out by the end of this week. This brings me back to the story where I began this post.
So this new zing has just moved to the maddening city from Bangalore. From the word go it was good. Instantaneous chemistry, something that shook me from my comfort zone.
Like we always settle in our set mould or we set a mould that is too comfotable to move from. And suddenly a zany feeling that tugs you hard and knocks you off the balance you have striven hard to achieve.
A fleeting boundary that sets your head against heart or two logical heads within.
I am watching!

Of life universe and magic

Well, it's been a low ebb, confidence sinking, losing the zing..thank God it passed. Things fall in place if you just let it be..step back and take a deep breath

magic magic magic...it happens!

Magic 1: We cracked one simple campaign idea yippie!!!
Magic 2: I finally get my post paid connection
Magic 3: (Awaited) need my UK visa in flat three days..pray I get..London calling and dreams too :-)
I am sort of getting my zing back.
A friend said "you have spark, you are a bubbling cauldron" Thanks friend.

I have been so used to being at the centre of action and attention (professionally). I guess I have not been able to handle the low key for last one month. I want action! action! that's what drives me.

I need the centrestage! I know! I need to awaken the fire in me!

Why am I resigned to singlehood

Life seems content on all fronts, but sometimes a lurking question sets me wondering.
Why am I single?
Am I committment phobic? What type?
A rushed glimpse into my past relationships makes me reflect.
I have repeatedly formed alliances with men (unconsciously) with those who were emotionally unavailable, or men who were not good enough for me (so my friends would tell and I would turn a deaf ear to it) or worse still who I knew were fully into me.
All in all a doomed story from the very start.
And when it would officially end, I would resign myself to fate and cry my heart out. For isn't crying over loss normal?
Well, yes, or trying to behave normal (subconsciously). At least I have imbibed some from the collective normal ethos.
On the same note, now that I think, I have always run away from men who bring along security, lasting love and stability as they all want.
What is it that I want?

Dil-e-nadan na samajh paye
To mera kya kasoor
Teri justhu mein
Har waqt rehta hai maghroor

Dil ko ya armaan tha,
Jo kal tha woh aaj bhi moujood hota
Wo khayal, woh ehsaas
Kareeb mere wajood hota

Life is fair, even in despair
Love lives in my intimate imaginaire
Life's good, so I declare
What's destiny I stand and behold!

When ex flame turns a friend

I always heard people say, relationship once ended should be a closed chapter.
That always set me thinking 'what's more important - destination that lost path or journey that made it worthwhile'
If the latter, how could people who once formed the most significant element of our lives cease to be a part of it. In both literal and figurative terms. Even if they are not with you they are very much a part of abstract existence - in memories and mindscape.
And yes, I am experiencing the same in a more fulfilling way that I could ever have probably. The openness and connect that's there now, was never seen before. A new level that transcends all narrow bounds of worldly cares.
I am happy the way it is.

Myself after long

Life's been on rollercoaster....Deadlines and all that jazz....but having fun nontheless. Three and half hr long conference call fried my brain like how..Needed some fun. Started small and there followed some fun antics, photo shoot all over the office space and down with cigerrate amidst the muck of Nehru Place.
Felt myself after long..fun time and some cool colleagues to join in.
Exciting learning curve.
More will follow.

Where the buck stops

Not where it should ideally. Why do we push limits and press buttons that trigger unwanted airwaves?

The human mind acts on funny kicks or so it seems. What is apparent is not real and a parallel world exists and denizens of the real inhabit the evil, vicious intent.

A funny world is unfolding with an interesting mix of drama, vitual romance and vilifying egos.
While the former is fun latter a mortal throttle and unsettling.

When the coffee table becomes an extension of the living room and myriad mosaic of characters emerge to play their part.

While one enjoys seamlessly palying a part and simultaneously stand outside of oneself and see events of life unfolding.

Interesting, very interesting indeed :-)

Dreams unwound

Dreams have an innate tendency to become real. Virtual is in a way a real denial. But it sure is another world, when the equations are totally different in person in which a certain level of constructs remain, but the boundaries merge in the exploratory space. The whole notion of relationship is now being reconfigured in the limitless space that it is.

But the question is in the merging realities which real is real? The question is beset with dichotomy and dualism.

But the above is not much different from the hypocricy of the real either. Where we constantly deny what's real in a conscious manner. So that's teh existence of virtual real and vice-versa.

Vagueness will dispel once I am able to figure out the meanings.

Brewing minds

...coffee connections and vitual existence..that's how I will define the events as they have unfolded over the last one month and little more. Addictive, compulsive bunch and mulitiple layer transcending the real and making vitual fun.

Now I understand how apt the coffee table relationship term is - whosoever coined it. When cafe becomes the extension of living room and day spills over 24 hrs or so it seems.

It would seem like a random bantering..but churnings are really vague bag at the moment.
It is fun when random becomes regular and chance meetings become habit.

Interesting motions intersperse the coffee table and beyond there is a new world that unfolds. Random becomes real and all else flows seamlessly.

Vitamin Works

My system seemed to collapse after my recent Rajasthan trip. Heat and monstrosity of rural India enmeshed with the image of India which is so unlike the one we are the denizens of conspired to the collapse.

Hungover with the grind fatigue took over and sent me in a tizzy to series of tests and there came to the resue the VITAMIN B.

For good two weeks I was struggling with sapped energy and low key me which was such a misfit to my regular frame.

Last two days have been magical. I am beaming with energy and bouncing back to life. Yuppie..
Does this mean that I would have to depend on external stimulants for the internal pep..Nah blame it on the lifestyle we follow-erratic diet, smoking (kills appaetite)..and all the rest intertwined.

I am cheered up, my focus is back and raring to go.
Vitamins - my new love :-)

When I saw her from close quarters

Ooh!That was quite close when I met acclaimed actor and social activist Shabana Azmi.

I reached on time sharp. Whiled I lingered in IHC lobby looking at some odd exhibits on display my phone beeped, "sorry to keep you waiting. please come up to my room."

I was a little, very little though, jittery. But as she opened the door to me with a smile I eased.

She was extremely tired after her tour of her father's village carrying forward the some development initiatives by him.

I sat a little in disbelief, that I was seeing her from such close and personal quarters, and little in confidence as I went briefing her on the subject for media interviews lined up.

We chatted a bit and I left with a smile.

An odd working saturday filled with events to make memories. Evening followed with rerun of Delhi 6 with my 'likeable' man who sat there quite a loss with the language but understood the film even without me having to explain except the odd bits here and there after the film. Impressive yeah!

Lilies bid adieu

9:30 p.m 27 February 2009

I thought I had tucked away my emotions after having spent my tears over the last few days. 

Ahem! I was wrong. 

The two men (read one of special significance) disappeared leaving me wondering, "where the hell" only to make an appearance with two choco cake. The 'one of special significance' with stalks of liliies carefully chosen to make a perfect pose of pink, white and green  with many yet to bloom.

He chose them saying "lilies define her", I was told. I was flattered. He wanted something which I could hold close and need I say I did hold them really close.

The day felt special. I was trying to collect the memories in all its details, unedited.

Perched in our balcony, the soiree soon brewed with madness with odd bolly tunes playing on his ipod.

Someone teasingly remarked, " She likes everything about you" which was met with, "I am just so likeable," giving way to peals and bursts.

Oh yes, I am for some odd reason very thrilled with the idea of an afternoon in the bar and he knows it.

Till we actually moved out it was 5:30 and I had to catch a flight towards midnight. I might have risked missing it in my high and happy state. Besides this one offered to tab the time for me.

So there we were three of us at the bar counter and beer came flowing and bonding to go with it. 

I wanted time to freeze as my gaze did suddenly taking note of little detail (under the garb of intent listening) - his hazel eyes, deep voice and taut muscles of his forearms. Errrrrrrrrrr! I was only listening to him and I just told you. Well like they say all good things do end and this did too with a warm hug and lingering longing.

I am falling in love with the 'likeable man".

I reached home with totally disconnected concerns - rush- rush, pack-pack-call the cab. Phew!

As I scurry through and ready to leave I turn around and look at those lilies. I smile.

Lilies will be abloom when I get back.

Overwhelmed

Eyes are welling up. Last leg of my stint here. I leave day after. Time seems to be flying faster than I imagined.

The office assistant  said, " madam ji why are you leaving, dont go. aapse baat karke hum logon bhi achha lagta tha."

I meekly smile back while emotions galloping inside.

I went to the reception for some odd job and 'aunty' as I enderaing call her gave me a hug saying she will miss me a lot. She is one of the dearest friend I will be leaving behind.

Our protocol manager is the most 'sadoo' man incapabale of consitent niceties. "Let me take you out for lunch." That brought the outburst of tears and more hugs followed.

I would refrain from using 'gora'. Darn!! without realising I was being a racist.

That now becomes 'sexy man in black rimmed glasses'. I was in the balcony when he made an appearance with a white chit in his hands and extended towards me. Befuddled I open 'dal tadke, jeera rice, aloo paratha and a box of ladoos' is what he wanted for lunch. The note ended with a smiley. I am going to miss this. 

Afernoon was terrible with bad cramps to couple my already crumbling emotional state. I lay head down on my desk. Someone told me he clicked my picture while I lay eyes shut writhing in pain. 

Two more days to go...

My lunch friends have offered to fill me with gatronomics delight with home cooked food. I feel loved wanted and pampared.

One friend is getting used to calling me on my phone after work in preparedness for times when I am gone. The dress rehearsal has begun.

'P' my team-mate. The same guy whose car got towed away. 

Yes I am going to miss the car ride till ansals and stop-overs at times to the momo joint and smoky puffs. This is our bonding trademark interspersed with conversation about work and other significant things in our lives - his kids and wife. And  random tidbits from my life.

I left office without 'P' today. While I scurried through the market in search of an auto I was already getting a glimpse into my future in which all would figure not in the same way.

I reached home which lots of choco dose hoping that would turn off the descending blues. Of no avail. I restlesslessly walked on my terrace...back and forth...came inside and the next moment I find myself howling. And blank empty canvas yet to find new colors.

A certain breed of men

They leave you with a complete loss of words. And confused if it deserves any reaction at all. I am very sure now. I  am glad we are not together, the fact I was trying to reconcile in destiny, this that and the other finally settles with a simple logic.

Not to mention, I was floored again with the last conversation and his empty words of respect he vowed for me. 

In less than a week he gets married. So he is in town.

Tucked myself comfortably to sleep quite early only to wake up with a 'tring tring' and a vague familiarity with the digits displaying on my screen. And it is 3:00 a.m.

"Hey I was out with my friends and was wondering if you would want to catch up after I leave from here.,"

Even in my groggy state something rang clear in my mind, "Dude what are you thinking, your soon to change life is just 5 days away and you feel things are just the same. Hah!,"

"Hey, how are you?Its too late. See if you could tomorrow," I said with unimaginable ease.

Sometimes people mistake your goodness for your weakness which can fit into their convinience ever. 

One call. And it has ended even a little dreg of the last remains. Ashes. All I can say.

Memory in the ruins of Delhi

Lovely skyline, sunny afternoon, breezy heights and company to complete the perfect afternoon.

Little peak into the history that lies in the backyards of expanding Delhi, peaceful and quiet tucked away into the oblivion with few frequenting the once bastions of power and the silent tomb that lies across the road.

We found a cozy turf on top overlooking the cityscape amid the blowing breeze and competing snarling traffic losing out. It was like traveling back in time but aware of the contrasting space that dots our urbanscape.

Click!Click! captured the time in mind while camera did the same in its visual details.

And there I was struggling to light my ciggy against the force of wind when he just did some odd perfect and it worked. Gave me some logic of science having done that.

He gets strangely fascinated with stray dogs, and there we had the whole puppy parlour, and almost always gets tempted to take them home. 

Time to get back to our maddening civilisation and crazy crowded routine. We were pooped and needed some coffee to awaken the sleepy minds and then back home to writing my blog post.

We are both making memories in our own ways he of the country and me of the company.

The hero never dies

And thank God for that. And thank bollywood that optimism triumphs when cynicism gives a tough fight.

And you dont want good looking heroes to die even on the silver screen, do you?

Delhi 6 revs up emotions and if you belong to female fraternity it makes all go drool and moon over the AB baby..Ooh la la

There half the job done and half the time fancying envy with the one who shared the screen space..I want to be a star too (thats an open secret dream ;) in my teeny weeny heart). Well I will give it to the girl as well..hmmm. By the way Rakeysh happens to be on my FB friends list too. Don't ask how :) but feels cool. hehehhe

And my dear Hanu does some sky antics too in the film. And yes there is a 'kala bandar' too and funnily so fits seamlessly with the film stirring ugly and happy moments. Go watch it to know how.

I am watching it again. No points for guessing why I will. I am single and can wear my heart on my sleeves.

So that said the day was no less filmy. Entered the office which looked deserted due to some shit meeting happening. So there I was waiting for 'some' people (read one gora) to at least show up.

Yes he did and we sat with our coffee in the balcony; he with cool star sunglasses and me with my smoke stick between my fingers of course enjoying the strong sun.

Then a couple of more people trickled in and the lull demanded some action. Least we could do was have some music. By the way the 'gora' has an amazingly good assortment of world music including some shit home grown (bolly bolly). One that stand out ' wada na tod, tu muh na mod' to my utmost shock.

So we were all in a frolicy mood and frappe flowed in to make a perfect after lunch addendum.

This someone wanted to join us for the film, ignore the fact that he can't follow much of hindi, but enjoys our flicks all the same. 

Well he didn't. Is suffering severe blue on the thought of leaving Our Bharat Mahan. India has that effect and you will see it doubling up in Delhi 6. So he did'nt though tickets were bought and hoped he did come. Well he is feeling low and and multiple mysterious emotions.

By the way he has been clicking pictures of the balcony, his work station and of me too though with no obvious intent. He is making memories, I am already living mine. 

Listening to Maula mere maula from Delhi 6 on my stereo. On that note I sign off. 

Mind and multiple mosaic

Long day it was. While I am yet to join the new assignment in less than a week, I am neck deep in work in my current position so weaning away has not happened as they say. That said I am getting sucked into the new job with constant emails seeking inputs this that and the other. 

Peace and focus is divided and diverted. 

I get up with a start in the middle of the night confused whats causing the clutter. I want my peace back. But how?

Present are so deeply woven with the past that we can jot the dotted lines backwards  but not so much with the future unknown and unclear but yes will connect in continuum.

Little green balcony that we have in office is a little haven overlooking a green canopy of lush tress where we sit with our smoke, coffee and lunches. Balcony is a metaphor for the collective and the personal and both equally comfortable in its co- existence. This is where the day starts and includes the quick stand-up meeting and where the day ends with a round up which is incomplete without a shared puff.

Something that has become an integral part of me. I will miss this space.

A colleague and a teammate, someone I started with on a very tempestuous note, not very comfortable and a lot more edgy.

I am surprised at how that has evolved over the time gone by. A deep friendship that will stay.

Someone who is driven by immense passion for life, his wife and two adorable kids. Someone who will be a friend forever.

I will miss you and the work energy that we share.

How can I not mention the bunch of women of all age range from 50 odd years to 20 somethings which makes me the youngest and hence most pampered in all quarters including the men at work;). Mornings are incomplete without a quick debrief of the evening before, randon banter silly jokes and assortment of fruits that kick starts the day. We get through the flurry of activities in mere five minutes. 

I will miss the quick hellos that I drop to everyone on my way up to my desk. 

I am making memories at work, I never realised. I will allow it to sink in.

An ode to love

Having grown up on classic English fiction and love of yore. And of course the legendary Mills and Boons, I am a die hard romantic at heart. 

Legendary Knight in the shining armour emerges and sweeps the damsel off the floor. The mush rules and love conquers. Perfect. And live happily ever after. That is the cosmic cliche' connection.

The prince charming who kisses the enchanted sleeping beauty and she comes out of the spell and ever after follows.

From as long as I can remember we are taught to dream a perfect dream and learn we do to believe in them.

Then one fine day reality dawns and grossly detached from our innate understanding of what and how it ought to be. 

But love as they say, does exist. Happily ever after may not.

Love happens once, they say. You fall in love more than once,  I say. 

Dream never dies and hope remains alive. On that note, an ode to love.

Cheers!

Letter to the most loved

Dear 'S'

To start with I have moved on. But have I really?

You still remain the one I loved most intensely and honestly. I still remember January 11 when you said "What if 'we' get married?" My reponse may have been not so conencted with the question but yes deep down it was the happiest moment of my life.

You left to take up a job in another city and over the months that followed our relationship traveled more 'downs' with your emerging doubts and more 'ups' with my gut to hold on and make things work. Time for me froze in those words you spoke and my dreams started weaving you and me together happily ever after.

I was willing to put all at stake all that I held on with my life - myself and all that made 'me'. Even started looking for options to move to the city with you. But apparently all of it was not enough to move you.

For the first time ever, I was willing and ready to give you the reins of my life. I let go of the guards that defined me. All my armours fell. Yes you made me feel like a woman. 

The 'boyish charm' of you swept me off my feet and staccato moments started becoming linear memories.

Your playing guitar on the phone sometimes your eagerness to sing your favorite numbers and also some on demand for hours together made my heart go out to you. Yes I was willing to nurture that child in you and more.

The first time we met did not seem like the first at all. There was something that decided the pace something I could not decipher.

Imagined you as the man in my life and it brought alive the dream and desire to have you around all my life as mine.

You were not here but you presence was vividly etched in all of me and my life. I was weaving a dream.

It was a beautiful dream only if you were dreaming the same with me we would have made it a living reality.

I am happy for you and your new life with another someone. 

Love you still the same. Love doesn't change but gets buried and rusts with time when sudden flashes turn it green and alive in the dream unlived.

Love always.

Yours

Here and Now

Without a story of the past, who are you in the timeless present? Without a projection of an imagined future, who are you now?

What are you waiting for?

Frozen memories come calling

The raw emotions, as they are, weave the true feelings, as they say.

Tired leafing through some pages, I closed my eyes. My silent phone beeped, "As the day is coming closer I am getting nervous and don't know what to do or who to go to :(. Am scared to death"

Astounded.It took me a while to register who it was. As I do, closures for me means erasing all forms of links established including the number as the first step in the least.

But memory recalled anon as my ex's number who is 'tying the knot' this month. Hence "scared to death."

I have moved on but harbour no bitterness or hate at a human level.I respond of course with some words hoping would ease him. 

"Want to talk", flashed another on my screen.

He called pronto. For someone who rarely expresses I knew he really needed a friend to talk. We spoke and I tried giving him a little of what I understand of marriage, of companionship, that he should welcome the  significant other with openness, without dread of what it will be.

He wants me to come for his wedding which coincides with my work trip out of India. Well timed.Hmm.Then he requested if I could come for a little ceremony a day before the wedding. "It would mean a lot to me. Please come."

Ends with "You are special and will always be. Someone I respect as none else. If I could show it would be nothing less than kissing your feet." (I felt a little odd hearing this last line. Blame it on his happy state.)

I am blank really. Some flashes from past come alive like an album of memories, as snapshots -no longer a part of my present, but a thing of the past. 

Frozen moments come alive and freeze again. Yes I have moved on.

Freedom like it never was

Are we all running away? 

After a quiet day to myself cleaning, cooking, reading, surfing, music being a constant company, I had no plans to go out. My phone rang, it was my regular coffee companion and friend on the other end.

I agreed and went out to our usual haunt - Barista. Interesting bunch of people around and one significant loud woman with her mom and another guy with his - apprently prospective partnership at its initial first step - may be would lead somewhere.

Taking cue from the table next, we drifted to discussing what we would want in our prospective partners. I have had my share of experience and he just out of his  engagement. Freedom as I experience is premised on things falling in line on its own and freedom for my friend emanates from his set of wants.

Being circumspect is also an escapade. Whether it is allowing the universe to conspire to make it happen or running away from what you have in the name of freedom. While these thoughts made waves inside, we both had a wishlist of what we want. 

Coffee, conversation and company made for an evening of little achievement but not without our book browsing, new arrivals and philosophy section.

Every commoner's life is a plot for a novel and that gives me hopes to pen down mine too :)

A someone from IIT, IIM, JNU weaving their own getting as close to your life or mine. 

I pick up a couple for weekend read spilling over to weekend next.

As I find a comfortable perch with black coffee and gear for my nicotine my phone shouts a call from another friend in town for a conference leaving early tomorrow morning. 

Another one wearing his freedom on the sleeve and happy to announce his single status. Seemed quite haapy for someone who is out of  relationship. What matters is the personal happiness. But why do we not get enough of that when we are with our significant best? What kills it that we begin to celebrate the freedom like never before?

Saint Valentine and I

Voila..with all the hype about the Valentine day, I seem to be enjoying some quiet, peace and content.

Strange but true never had any buzz around the day by misleading and second hand default. Though I have had my share of love, lover and so on but valentine day was never a cause celebre'. Either things had fallen off the hook or been with non believers who felt "why mark a day with tokenisms". hmmm deep to shallow both kinds I have met and seen.

But through all this one thing has remained the same since I can reacall. On every Valentine's day I express my sincere and unflinching love for myself - have bought flowers, music or indulged myself with something that gave me pleasure. 

After all I have kept the love and promises to myself alive. And trust me that's a thrill of another kind.

Yes I am looking forward to the day and waiting to pamper myself. A bottle of wine. Ummm Cheers! 

Of the evening and events

I had gone for a meeting  with my colleague to explore an exhibition space. We were ushered through a range of rooms with nondescript plates on each door saying who's who.

The walk through the driveway was quite interesting. Interseting looks on 'men's ' faces too eager to talk from the guard to guide to the member secy promising space.

I headed towards the photos on display and my 'male' colleugue said he will come along and 'not leave me alone' at least when it came to uncouth surroundings of the 'government' offices.

That insinuation got me curious and he explained jokingly 'men here have not found time enough to civilize themselves.'

And I could see a clear difference between the ones that fall in my circle of acquaintaines, friends, ex, lover category. Or is it that they have been 'civilized' enough to camouflage the crass?

We walked back to the car and switched on the radio.

And  there Ginnie goes on Meow discussing whether men cheat on women more and why?

And one male caller went on record to say "90% of men" cannot be trusted and that it is the thrill in doing it that justifies all so not done things. Could he be more candid...NAH!

My colleague in question is the most sensible I have ever met. So after the meeting was over we went to Max Mueller and order our most favorate chicken macroni and ice tea..ummmm (you must try if you haven't yet)

We sat there watching a tiny bird, taking calls, eating, drinking smoking, talking of work and other stuff. We got up to leave and walked our way out reading 'au revoir' and 'shalom' and adios and BLIMEY!!!!!!!!the car went missing from the spot he had parked it.

We both laughed and got informed that the car was towed away. Taking an auto we reached a hovel where all such cars find a perch. PHEW! relieved to find the one towed away!

Hit the road again but not before paying three green notes!

Quite an evening!

Choco mania

Ummmm...suddenly a craving for choco.. chocolate on my way home. I stopped by the nearest barista and indulged in chocolate excess with melting cho sauce on it (asked for extra flow there).

If that was not enough bought brownies as a means of lighter delight.

Nah..it doesnt seem enough..here goes more - a dairy milk that finally satiated the insatiable.

And while I sat browsing the health news section of BBC here is what it said and yes scientifically proven 

Melting chocolate is better than a passionate kiss, scientists have found. Follow the link to read more: 

Chocolate 'better than kissing'

The day that was

The weekend is getting over as the day wears on. A day is never without events as it is. At times it is the happenings around you and at the other it is the churnings inside. Both qualify to be the subject of events.

And yes by the logic of above lots has happened.

Friday was the day of speaking, shouting out my heart through the technocraft and text message. Sorted. 'Friendship triumphs'. 

While I write this a colleague just pointed to the article in today's ToI supplement written by a dear friend's mother, a friend who died in a  car crash in June last year.

He definetly was more than a friend but cannot define what it was that bound me to him.

As I continued to read the article something within me travels back to the days of knowing him. He was a journalist and a poet with fierce zeal for life. I did not even realise how smoothly he and his daughter became a part of my life. A borrowed life in default. 

Oxford bookstore, mandi house, dargah of nizamuddin, music concerts few places which contiune to haunt me and as it has happened they have ceased to be a part of my life and so has he.

A sufi enthusiast and his love for sitar which were a regular do at all the gathering in his lovely, warm home. His company was infectious and zeal contagious. A poet who would always want an avid admirer in me to accompany to the Delhi Poetree Club.

Now that I look back, I realise how ruthlessly I severed all that was 'us' with a sudden realisation that was nothing short of treading the rough path as the attachment grew. 

Afterall a borrowed life it was. But life happens to us in strange ways we fail to decipher when it is passing us by and it is only in afterthought that it dwells.

It was a friend and his colleague who broke the news of his accident to me. I was sleeping when the phone beeped and I was jolted with utter disbelief. 

I had not been in his contact for half a year before the news was brought to me. It was beyond any redemption now, I had been cruel to dismiss his calls and text messages and requests to meet not to realise that the moment would never come back. But as they say knowledge is fleeting and eludes you in most desperate times. 

He is gone. No longer a part of many lives he touched with affection, zeal, love and much more.

Someone who made me feel special. 

Third person: stories of collapse and crumbling dreams

So far it has all been about me. This one concerns lives of those around who matter to me. What has unfolded leaves me upset and unsettled. There is not much I can do though except pray they find their happiness and love restored.

First of these concern my two very good friends who have been together for a while now. And yes I had a teeny weeny role in bringing them together. They survived their living in the same city, then long distance and few months of living together and back to long distance when the guy moved down south and the other flew to Nepal. The guy much too willing to make it work while the other wore the robe of rigidity and never allowed her softer side to emerge (my sense having talked to both). The guy seemed sure to call it off feeling he had absolutely no influence or role to play in her life and there the relationship froze.

Second concerns someone I met while working in the organisation I do executing a project together and yes it has sustained all these years and shall. His life revolved around someone for good eight years surviving downs and ups. Now he is ready to take the plunge but the one who he wants it with has stepped back cowering under family pressure. And every vague word from the girl becomes hope personified for him. He somewhere knows the fact but is holding on the dreams he has been living and hoping would become real. 

Third is someone I have know for a long long time. A very good friend indeed. His news he broke over coffee that they have called off their official engagement. 

The last concerns the 'object of my affection'. He has been in love with someone for theree years including a year and half of his stay in India and of his love interest seeing someone else for the same period. However, the man in question loves too much holds on to hope and says "will see".

Though all of above concerns specific individuals I am sure it interprets all our lives in some way or the other. What keeps the hope alive or what dims the dreams is all a making of the mind.

Those who have it wish it away with their undoing and those who dont equally undo their possibilities by constructing walls to protect themselves. 

Why can it not be an idyllic world where honest efforts and emotions pay off in personal relationships?

Layered dreams

Layer within layers 

feathered they are 

dreams and hopes 

Pleasure is seeking

Success is achieving 

Love is giving 

and life a journey

Stuccato, linear countours

getting lost in the nooks and shelves

while one rusts the other blossoms

and life becomes a glen of dreams

some broken while others awaiting the wings to fly

Countdown begins

Well lots of changes afoot. Life's taking a new turn. A new job responsibility a new organisation. This is my last month with my current employer.

I wish I could take a break by the sea. But possibility seems bleak as I have take on the task immediately. 

On a personal front, loneliness is setting on. I am sure you understand what I mean. A phase in life where you need a certain anchor in life to hold your emotional energies. Thats what they mean by stability. I need a stabilizer. A companionship as I understand. A sense of togetherness in doing little this and that or doing nothing at all. Where you hear words in silence, extension of you in the other. Your own sense of self merges while maintaining one's own. 

Phew! lost and found and lost again. 

This morning I logged on to facebook and saw my cousin's kids. Adorable three. 

I seem ready to experience all that could be mine and ours. 

Relieved like how

After months of edginess inside, feigning calm exterior, I finally spelt it out.

I am feeling very light. I am glad I did that and ready for the consequences as well. 

That said, what I definetly do not want is the freindship to change. I will be happy with the status quo than upsetting the balance in that.

Yes, we have spent lot of time together over the last year and a half of his stay in India.

Beautiful friendship that I never thought would be when he first arrived. All we had was verbal banters.

Oh ya, when we were all in Johannesburg for a meeting. A friend seeing our interaction remarked, "Two of you are like characters from a novel where it starts with fights and eventually ends in love."

Well at least for me it is like living that prophecy. 

Life always throws siuations at us and leaves us to deal with it. Can we ask life to be more fair.

Lets see how it unfolds in the coming month that we will be in the same organisation. I move to another organisation and he back to his country. Ahem

Hold on, my heart!

It is getting crazier by the day. The throbbing and thumping is getting out of control.

Losing sleep and appetite both.

I guess it is only natural and normal with so many changes afoot. Changing job turning new turf, new people, new profile...excited I am but jittery too given the comfort zone that I am ensconced in at my current work zone.

Well well! I am sure all will fall in place.

But weaning away is also painful. When you want to hold on to nice things like the last straw.

The 'object of my affection' has not come in at work which means I miss another day and my memory machine stays idle..

So practically no lunch outing and no walk back:-(

D: It is written

Dream's alive, hope's reignited...

Slumdog Millionniare is all about dreams and hopes amidst dark realities that millions of lives  are interwoven with.

The film is beset with grime and filth..the invisible India. It is about the escapism that we take recourse to and choose to shut our eyes amidst the myth of prosperity and wealth and dreams which find a meaning in abstracts and material that we feel completes us.

The film is special. Not just another rendition packaging India's poverty. I was with my ' gora friend' who was watching this the third time and enjoyed as much even 

though making a hatrick of it. 

Yes dreams are alive and hopes are reignited..

 

And yes IT IS WRITTEN. 

Sanity regained

Shake shake! phew it's back...yes my sanity is back

With the mind going mush over the 'gora' this is much needed tool in my armour.

I was suppose to get tickets for slumdog millionnaire as he offered his company knowing i was keen to watch the flick of golden globe fame..

So the evening of 26 January clinched. 

While Sunday was ladies' day out that lasted all of the evening too at Dilli Haat to all the foodie's delight and ambling through the colours of winters wrought all over the place...An afternoon soaked in the sun we had a lovely time..

While on the other end my 'friend' had told me of the dinner date with his German aquaintance..

Why should that bother me..nah it doesn't..i swear it doesn't.

While 'Jai ho' roared on the radio my phone made a meek peep...

"Morning. What time did you get the tickets for?," need you guess who it is.

I had already told him 8:30 the day before..Then my little miffed self started to form a storyline from this seemingly simple text on my phone's screen..(my usual tactics to deal with something I dont like is to delete/erase)

Off goes the irky SMS from my INBOX.

And the story weaves in my mind as follows:

"May be he had a late night with..ugh..the girl...hung over and all that,"

I speed across a text:

"8:30 it is. In case you too lazy to come or change your mind, let me know. I will work my plan accordingly* (read replace the company)," and I sit relieved.

The moment you give any amount of importance to a man he whops it up in the first go and adorns it like feather in his cap.. Thats about it...

Me making memories

Saturday morning began  with a predominant laze haze. 

"May be I could just stay in and listen to music, read and sleep"

Just when I was readying for the set mission the phone peeped

"Hey I am going for lunch at ansals and then may be museum. wanna come?" said the sender

Well it was not so much the 'what' of the text that sent a little rush but...yes the sender :-)

Could I resist that? nah..

This was a 'gora' at work who wanted a company of someone he thinks he shares a wonderful friendship with.

Ahem! but she was alreday dreaming on...cherishing the moments and making memories..

As the 'friend' will soon leave India.

So I set off with whims flying high with spurts of rational chiding at the same go.

"You have been counseling him on resolving his 'complicated' love life. How can you now...Friendship must outweigh the romantic air," said the mind.

So its settled "You cannot risk it. Live it as long as it lasts and enjoy the 'friendship'

So it was a lovely auto ride..and museum do..spending good quiet afternoon wall gazing with snippets of art and the other worldly artefacts ...while this world going mush mush inside that friendly exterior :-) I will let this one pass.

That weight is off my head

Phew...relieved after the week of turmoil..decision made...weight off my head.
ready to take that leap
holdingno hitches, raring to go
yes i have taken that leap...
ye ye i am happy i did

Leap of faith

How does it feel
to take a leap
and give it a go

How does it feel
to see an open sky
or vast expanse of a sea

How does it feel
when you stand on that threshold
or a road not taken before

How does it feel
to let go of an old nest
and to turn a new turf

Is that what they call
a leap of faith?

I bid adieu

Shutting myself to the past windows

I decide to move on

I close the door

To all that is left behind

I turn back

To take a last peek into

All that was

And all that was not

A catharsis

To bid a final adieu

To all that was never mine

Happiness in lease I lived

Castle that blew to the wind

And dreams buried alive

Words

Yarn of words
In strayed web that wove

Trail of words
Linger long after the silence

Glint of words
In the sparkle of your eyes

Murmurs I hear
Beyond the careless whispers